


Blood, Vet and Fears

by CatelynJones



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Australian AU, Australian Slang, Blood, Crack, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gonna finish this!, Homophobia, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, NaNoWriMo, Or medium burn I guess?, Panic Attacks, Racism, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, VetStudent!Magnus, Veterinarian!Alec, WIP, all sorts of casual -phobias and -isms, bad language, be nice to your veterinarian, legit though most vets are fucked up, mentions of disordered eating, we are barely hanging on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2018-08-12 12:28:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7934602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynJones/pseuds/CatelynJones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus thought that graphic design would make him happy. He loved fashion and colour and creating, and so it had been the obvious choice. But six months into his 'dream' job, he realised that he just wasn't happy. Through a series of unfortunate events, Magnus finds himself training to be a veterinarian. </p><p>When someone breaks his heart, Magnus applies for a job half a world away. To his shock, his application is successful and he find himself packing his bags.</p><p>For Australia.</p><p>Alec is a vet. He never wanted to do anything else. He never really had a choice. It's the family business. While he likes his job, he never really looked forward to going to work, that is until the new intern arrives on the scene.</p><p>Or:</p><p>The Aussie country vet AU you never knew you wanted.</p><p>An emotional H/C crackfic born out of the desire to procrastinate from finishing my assignment.</p><p>Rated M for blood and general mental illness themes</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is going to contain a couple of TW-ble things. Namely: surgical procedures, blood, self-harm, self-harm triggers, and panic attacks an/d disorder eating behaviours.  
> It also contains some excellent Australian slang, which I am very excited about bc I get sick of Americanising everything I write.
> 
> At the start of each chapter, I will include a glossary for slang and vet terms that you might need.
> 
> Updated and edited 19/10/17, chapter 10 is being written now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to preface this by saying that I am currently re-editing this fic. I started writing it as a distraction while I was in a preeety shit place with my life. My degree was kicking my ass, I was stuck away from my fiance on a clinical placement I didn't give a shit about in a motel room for 3 fucking weeks while I dealt with increasingly difficult to deal with self-harm and eating disorder thoughts.
> 
> I haven't updated this in ages because I didn't know if I could bring myself to re-read it and go back to that place I was in. But I have graduated now. I'm living with my fiance and working with an amazingly supportive and caring group of people.
> 
> My mental health shit is still kinda fucked, but i'm coming out the other side now. I'll be editing and re-writing each chapter before moving on to wrapping it up. No major changes, but enought that I feel less shitty about the characterisation and writing.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com
> 
> Glossary  
> '6ks' - 6 kilometers about 4 miles. We usually write 'kms' but will often say 'ks' (kays) or 'clicks'  
> 'U-ey' - a U-turn  
> 'Gumboots' - rainboots, rubber boots, mud boots etc. Calf height rubber, waterproof boots  
> 'Overalls' - coveralls, like a onesie made of denim like material  
> 'Ute' - a pickup truck or utility vehicle. Usually with a 2-5 person cab and a tray  
> 'Largies' - large animals/large animal medicine  
> 'Smallies' - Small animal/small animal medicine  
> 'Companion Med' - Companion animal medicine (cats, dogs, rats, horses etc)  
> 'Repro' - reproductive medicine  
> 'Rumen' - Cow stomach  
> 'Crush'/'Cattle crush' - a big crate that can safely hold a cow while you do what you need to do  
> 'Abdominal' - the stomach area  
> 'Scrub' - In a surgical sense, to clean really well. In descriptive terms for nature, scrappy, rough looking trees and shit  
> 'Incision' - a surgical cut  
> 'Catgut' - a type of surgical string that is not made from cats' guts  
> 'Suture' - either the knots or the thread/string used for tying up surgical things  
> 'Mardi Gras' - big ass gay pride parade in Sydney Australia

Catrina Loss was rudely awoken by the squeal that tore through her apartment. It was one o'clock in the afternoon, and she felt like she had just closed her eyes. As an attending at the hospital, her shifts were long, and Cat seriously valued her sleep.

Which she seriously thought her flat-mate would have known by now.

Grumbling, Cat sat up in bed. If Magnus was this excited, she doubted she would be allowed to go back to sleep. At that very moment, one very exuberant Indonesian man burst through her bedroom door.

“I GOT IT!” Magnus was screaming at her as he launched himself across the floor and landed next to Cat on the bed. He was clutching a letter in his hands as if it held next week's winning lottery numbers. Cat looked at it to her friend and back again.

“Wait, seriously?!” She snatched it from Magnus's trembling fingers and gave it a quick once-over. Her irritation at being woken immediately evaporated, intense pride took its place, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”

°ºOº°

Magnus could barely contain himself as the mail was delivered. He was waiting for a letter you see, but not just any letter, a letter that contained the answer to a critical question.

Magnus hadn't always wanted to be a vet. Everyone thought it was a weird career path for the stylish and flamboyant man, and at the beginning, Magnus agreed. But after four years of design school and 6 months as a graphic designer, he realised he wanted to do  _more_. He wanted to make a difference, fix things that were broken and change people's minds. The world of design was so… _Superficial_ , at the end of the day, Magnus didn't give a shit if some company liked their logo and website layout. It was fun, but it wasn't enough.

One horrible night, Chairman Meow escaped and was hit by a car. Magnus had never felt so helpless in his life, and the vet who had saved his precious furbaby had been his knight in shining armour. She had been kind, understanding and extraordinarily patient with the mess of a man who had shown up on the doorstep of the clinic. Magnus realised at that moment that he wanted to be that person. The one to make it better, to save the day. It sounded ridiculous, but he wanted to have the power to help people who were that distressed. He wanted to change the lives of the people he met.

For a brief moment, Mangus considered studying human medicine, but one look at his dearest friend shot that horse in the face. He had no desire to work that closely with human excrement. Magnus had taken a deep breath applied for veterinary college the next day.

It took some coercing to get people to take a design major seriously, but Magnus was bloody smart and driven. He studied for months (with the aid of Cat) and aced all the admission tests and had his pick of schools.

College was not easy, and it took a toll on Magnus's health. But Cat understood. The pressures may have been slightly different (4 legged and dirtier mostly), but they were still in the same ballpark, and she carried him through, getting Magnus back on his feet. In return, Magnus made sure that Cat had a meal and a shower to come home to after work. The two of them had moved in together, realising that they both needed the company. Their respective careers put too much focus on independence and strength to be healthy, and neither of them coped too well on their own.

So they found a system that worked for them.

But this damn letter might be about to change all that.

The mail slid through the slot of the door right on 1 pm, and Magnus hurriedly riffled through the bills, spam and dentist reminders (who sends _mail_ reminders these days? Text people. Text) to get to the envelope in question. It looked plain. Just a plain white office envelope with 'C.L.A.V.E.' stamped across the back. With shaking fingers, Magnus peeled it open and read the letter inside.

Shrieking with excitement, he ran to wake up Cat.

  
The Companion and Large Animal Veterinary Experts were leaders in veterinary medicine. Their ad had come across Magnus's email a few months back, and on a whim, he had applied. It was a fantastic opportunity. 18 months internship at their Southern branch, rotating through several different departments including zoo medicine, wildlife and small animal surgical. And the best bit? They covered the relocation costs and half the living expenses.

Which was good.

Because it was in Australia.

Magnus hadn't expected to be successful, but after his life ending break-up with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he couldn't think of a better way of proving to her that he was done, that when he said “I don’t want to see or hear from you again”, he _really_ meant it. And it really was a career-making position. But as he sat on his best friend's bed, he saw the real enormity of what was about to happen.

“I'm going to Australia.”

Cat nodded, suddenly sombre. Magnus gazed intently at her shoulder.

“For a year and a half.”

Cat reached out and grabbed Magnus's hands, “It'll be over in no time”. She flashed him a confident smile before continuing, “But the weather is a lot different over there, I think you have some shopping to do!”

If anything could perk Magnus up, it was a legitimate excuse to buy new clothes. Magnus shot off the bed calling over his shoulder, “To the mall!!” as Cat read the acceptance letter more carefully.

“Hey.. uhh Magnus?”

A half made-up face poked around the doorway, 'Yeah?'

“Did you read which departments you will be in?”

Magnus looked mildly concerned, “Uhh, not too closely... Why?”

Cat giggled as she looked up at him, “They've got you in a rural branch for three months. Doing mainly cattle work.”

Magnus's face rearranged itself into a mask of horror as his traitorous friend fell backwards laughing. “You're going to work with farmers and put your hands in a cow ass!”

“What?! No! I'm a small animal vet!!! I was in the small animal stream at uni! I don't know anything about,” he looked at the letter again, “bovine reproduction and herd health!”

Magnus glared at Cat who was flat on her back, hands clutching her stomach as she rolled around laughing.

  
“I need to call them right now.'”

Cat sat up and glanced at her phone, “I don't think you can right now, it's like 3 am or something there.” She punched a few things into her phone, “You'll have to wait until at least 7 tonight.” There were still tears in her eyes, and Magnus was not amused.

“Fine. But you have to come shopping with me.” He fixed Cat with his version of a murderous glare, but even Magnus had to admit that with half a face of makeup on, it might not have the intended effect.

Cat smiled and got off the bed, “Fine. But seriously, you might learn something useful, you MIGHT even enjoy it.”

Magnus rolled his eyes and stalked out of the room, “I highly doubt that.”

He had never been more wrong.

°ºOº°

 

After a long and heated 'discussion' with a receptionist 10,000 miles away, it became apparent that there was no way to avoid the large animal rotation. The woman he spoke to was professional, but curt and made it quite clear that enthusiasm, real or otherwise, was crucial in  _all_  areas of the internship. Magnus got the point and ended the phone call, citing long distance charges. And so, it was with mixed emotions that Magnus packed his suitcase and prepared to travel halfway across the world.

°ºOº°

Alec Lightwood stared at the post-it note stuck to his computer screen by one of the nurses. It was a Monday, an important Monday. According to the post-it note, it was the Monday that they got their new intern.

Alec liked interns, but, as a general rule, any intern that required a post-it note with the phrase, “I've got goss on the new kid” stuck to his screen was going to be trouble. Sighing he stalked out to the front desk where Clary was practically vibrating with excitement. Clary was one of the longest standing nurses at Alec's branch of the CLAVE, and as much as he liked her, her enthusiasm often wore a little thin.

The second she saw him, Clary practically exploded out of her chair, “Ok, so the new guy. He's from America! And he HATES the fact that he has to do a large animal rotation. Also, Simon said that he is CRAZY hot. Like supermodel hot. He also said that he is a little eccentric and OMG I cannot WAIT to meet him!”

Alec took a mental step back as Clary's exuberance washed over him, smothering him slightly. He had not had enough coffee to deal with that level energy this early in the morning. Alec wondered if she would forget to breathe if the rumours were exciting enough.

Alec sighed, “So he doesn't want to be here. Should make the next few months a bundle of joy.”

Clary rolled her eyes, “Of COURSE that's what you got from all that. So what if largies aren't his thing. You don't have to like it all.”

Alec shrugged as Clary continued, “Is he staying with you? I know the interns usually do...”

Alec lived out of town on a small property. The CLAVE often paid him to let the interns stay in his house. It usually worked out pretty well, they got a cheap place to stay and a lift into the clinic, while Alec got some company around the house. After growing up with three siblings, living alone often got too quiet.

“Yeah, he is. Decided it would be easier to meet here than sending him the directions to mine.”

Clary nodded knowingly. Alec's place was easy to find, once you had been there before. One of the “charms” of their little corner of the world was the poorly signposted streets. Directions to newcomers usually went something like “travel for 6ks on the highway, then turn left at the tree that kinda looks like a giraffe. Go over the old train tracks and then chuck a u-ey at the old pub, _not_ the new pub. God that place is terrible.”

Alec and Clary both snapped around to stare at the door as the bell tinkled. Neither of them was expecting the man who walked through. He was tall, not as tall as Alec, but tall. His hair was jet black and carefully styled to be the picture of professionalism, and his skin was a soft tawny brown. He wore brand new riding boots, well fitted tan moleskins and a striped button-down shirt in dark blue. He was dressed exactly as he was directed to dress, but somehow, he looked out of place in the dusty reception area.

Alec had never seen a more beautiful human being.

He was transfixed as the man stepped forward, dragging a large suitcase through the door (Clary swears it was designer) and offered a hand.

“Hi, I'm your intern for the next few months? I was told to speak to..” the man glanced at a slip of paper, “Alexander Lightwood?”

Alec was snapped out of his trance at the mention of his name. Shaking his head slightly, he took a step forward and grasped the hand of the newcomer, “That, uhh, would be me. Call me Alec.”

Alec smiled in what he hoped was a warm and welcoming way, but his people skills weren't great. He was often told that he looked 'psychotic' when he tried for 'pleasant.'

The intern smiled, totally unaware of Alec's inability to convey human emotions with his face. “Lovely to meet you, Alec, I'm Magnus Bane.”

°ºOº°

When Magnus got out of his cab at the Dourin branch of the CLAVE, he wasn't sure what he was expecting. He knew that it dealt with mostly large animal medicine, with the occasional smallies walk in. He knew that it was a small staff, just 3 vets and 4 nurses. He knew that he needed to bring 3 pairs of shoes (boots, clinic shoes and rainboots) and he knew that he had to be there at 8 am sharp.

He expected all that. He didn't expect a professional looking building, with neat gardens and a welcoming atmosphere, and he certainly did not expect the drop-dead gorgeous man who introduced himself as Alec Lightwood.

When the CLAVE said he would be boarding with one of the vets, Magnus didn't dream that it would be a man about his age and built like a Greek god. Alec Lightwood was all tanned skin and muscle, but the kind of muscle that said he did things with them, rather than just lifting weights at the gym.

Maybe Magnus wouldn't hate this posting as much as he had thought he would.

After a swift and somewhat awkward tour of the clinic (it seemed as though Alec was not as good at making small talk as some), Magnus sat down at his desk and set up his workspace. He might not be into production medicine, but he would make the most out of the situation, even if it killed him. At least the general gist of his role here would be the same as in the smallies clinic. Tail the vet for a few weeks, gradually take on more responsibilities, use your downtime to do assignments.

Pretty routine.

What Magnus wasn't used to was being dragged out of his seat not 5 mins after sitting down. Alec threw a stack of green fabric at him, on closer inspection, it was revealed to be overalls. “Hope you brought your gumboots!”

Magnus raised an eyebrow, “Gumboots...?”

Alec looked confused, “Didn't we tell you...? Clinic shoes, work boots and gumboots. Like tall boots, made of rubber?”

Magnus's face cleared with understanding, “Oh! rainboots. Yes. Yes, I brought some.” They were uncomfortable and sweaty and one in a growing list of items he never wanted to have to wear again, but he brought them.

Alec smiled, “Good, grab them. We've got a calving to get to. Hope you don't mind getting wet, looks like rain is coming.”

Magnus smiled with fake enthusiasm (dear god medicine should just  _not_  happen outside) and grabbed his gear.

He piled into Alec's work truck (which was fastidiously clean) and grabbed out his notebook, “So where are we headed?”

Alec swung the door shut and put on his seatbelt as he backed out of the parking space using his knees, “Not too far from here. About 55 ks away.”

Magnus looked at him blankly.

“Right. Uhh, what's that? About 30-ish miles?’”

Magnus nodded. Great, now he was stuck in a car with Mr Socially-Awkward-But-In-A-Hot-Way for the next half hour. That much sexy in a warm, small space for an extended period of time might actually kill him.

As they turned onto the highway, Alec cleared his throat, “So, what's your area of interest?”

Magnus smiled as Alec began to run through the standard “getting to know your new intern” questions as fat drops of rain hit the windscreen.

“Small animals and exotics medicine.”

Alec nodded, “Not a lot of that out this way.”

Magnus smiled, these, at least, were questions he was ready for, “You’d be surprised at how many exotics clients you get once word gets out.”

Huffing a gentle laugh, Alec continued his questioning, “So where are you from?”

“Indonesia, then New York.”

“Why take an internship in Australia?”

“Shitty breakup.”

Alec smiled in earnest and glanced towards Magnus briefly, “Must have been one helluva clusterfuck to get you to move this far away.”

Laughing gently, “Oh, you have no idea…”

Slowly, conversation puttered out as Alec exhausted his usual run of newbie questions and fell silent. He prayed that Magnus (now THERE was a name that was going to go over well with the rural clients) was a better conversationalist than he was. Casting a quick glance at the intern, he saw that he was sitting rigidly in his seat, knuckles tight on the handle on the roof.

“You ok over there?”

Magnus turned to meet his eyes, “Why do all vets drive like they have a death wish? I have yet to be in a car with one who didn't try to kill me. Also, watch the road!”

Alec laughed. He couldn't lie, it was fairly well known that the vets drove like absolute shit. He swore that the CLAVE put aside a portion of his pay to cover the fines. Good thing that in a small town giving the vet a ticket was a good way to ensure that no one would ever show up to see your place for a 2am calving. Alec turned his eyes back to the road, and Magnus visibly relaxed.

“So what do we know about the calving?”99

Good, questions about vet medicine, questions Alec could answer. “Not much to tell you the truth. She started last night apparently, and the farmer reckons that he could pull the calf if he had the right equipment.”

Magnus noted the no-so-subtle eye roll, but Alec pushed on, “Most of the dystocias we've been called to this season have just been a case of the calf being too big and the cow being too small. We had a good season this year and a shitty one last year.” Alec threw another quick glance at Magnus, “Any idea how to tell if the calf can be delivered without a caesar?”

Magnus thanked the Angel that he had spent the cab ride this morning reading textbooks, “Uhh... The size of the feet can give you some idea of the size of the calf, but it's all about how far you can pull them past the vulva. If you can pull them 6-ish inches, then the shoulders should be able to get through the pelvis.”

Alec smiled, quietly surprised, “Correct. So we will go in, assess the size of the calf and pull it if we can, but if not, move to a caesarean.”

Magnus was nodding, and Alec was pleasantly surprised that the new kid wasn't  _entirely_  useless. It was evident that he had no confidence when it came to large animal medicine, but at least Magnus wasn't a moron. Inexperience, Alec could work with, but sheer apathy? Not so much.

Eventually, Alec pulled up to a random driveway on the highway and headed up a slippery dirt track. In the distance, Magnus could see what he presumed to be a set of cattle yards. As they got closer, they saw the farmer waiting for them, cow already in the cattle crush and a pair of hooves just visible under her tail. Quickly Alec hopped out of the car, awkward Alec was gone, business vet Alec had come out to play. He introduced Magnus and then began to pull random looking pieces of equipment out of the ute.

Magnus took one look at the muddy ground and swiftly changed into his overalls and gumboots and helped Alec carry his stuff over to the crush. As Magnus brought the last of the gear over, Alec gloved up and began trying to pull the calf. After around 10 minutes, he announced that it was too big and that a caesar was needed. The farmer (Mark? Magnus thinks to himself) grumbled but agreed. It was the only real way to save the cow and calf after all.

Alec snapped out instructions to Magnus, fill this bucket with water, grab this, get that and so on, while he got to work shaving the left-hand side of the cow and injecting the local anaesthetic. Magnus was so used to small animal medicine that it shocked him for a second that he was about to assist in abdominal surgery, in an awake patient, who was standing, in a field, in the rain, with only a series of buckets to scrub in.

Alec made his incision as Magnus watched. He talked him through each step and why he was doing what he was doing. When directed to, Magnus scrubbed in the buckets and held his now sterile (-ish) arms out in front of himself, ready to help.

“Okay Magnus, I need you to hold this,” he gestured to a large organ, the rumen, in the cow's  _abdomen_ , “out of the way while I pull the uterus and the calf up.”

Magnus nodded and put his arms in the spots Alec told him to.

Magnus had never seen surgery on a cow before. Everything seemed huge. The skin was thicker, the organs were bigger, and there was so much more  _blood_. Intellectually, it, of course, made sense that a larger animal would have more, could lose more, but Magnus had been unprepared for its volume. He stared as it ran down his arms in thick red rivers, dripping off the points of his elbows.

Magnus swallowed and tried very hard not to remember the last time he saw so much blood on himself... He was suddenly overwhelmed by the memory and the  _need_. He could feel his arms itch, begging to be scratched.

Alec was talking to him again, Magnus dragged his attention back to the present. If there was a time to lose it to his self destructive thoughts, mid-major surgery was _not_ it. Alec had cut through the uterus, and he and the farmer were pulling the calf out. The farmer dragged it off and was rubbing it down, stimulating the calf to breathe.

“Ok Magnus, I need you to hold the uterus while I stitch it up. Do you know what suture pattern I'm going to use?”

Magnus blinked a couple of times, clearing the last of the lingering memories and focussing on the task at hand, “Yes. The Utrecht, in... catgut suture?”

Alec smiled again, “Sounds like a plan to me. Now hold the edges like this while I suture...”

The surgery finished up without incident, with both mum and the calf standing happily under a tree, out of the worst of the rain. Alec and Magnus cleaned up the best they could and packed up. Magnus totally  _did not_  swipe a few spare scalpels from Alec's toolkit as he put away the surgical instruments.

Magnus turned to put the kit in the back of the ute when he came face to face (or face to chest) with Alec stripping off his filthy overalls. It was all he could do to not drop the toolkit.

Every inch of Alec was gorgeous. His arms were tanned and perfectly sculpted, and Magnus had never wanted to press a kiss to anything as much as he did at that moment. The vet had tattoos too. None you could see when he was fully clothed for work, but with overalls stripped down to the waist and his chest covered only by a Bonds singlet...

Magnus forced himself to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and returning the toolkit. Thankfully, Alec was too distracted by the cold and wet weather to notice Magnus standing there like a complete idiot. He dropped off the toolkit and practically ran around to the other side of the car to change. It was  _not_  appropriate to be checking out his supervisor.

Shaking himself slightly, Magnus stripped off his own, equally filthy, overalls and slipped back into his clinic gear.

This trip had involved far too many opposing emotions, and it was doing Magnus’s head in.

°ºOº°

Magnus was quiet on the ride back to the clinic, and Alec found himself sneaking glances at the intern as he drove. The new man was certainly a bit of an oddity around his part of the world. Most of the people Alec interacted with on a day to day basis were either farmers, weathered by years of drought and flooding rains or other vets, most of whom were surrounded by an air of practicality. It had been a long time since Alec had come face to face with someone so... Alec couldn't think of the word, flamboyant wasn't right, but he couldn't help but be reminded of the people who attended exclusive parties in the aftermath of the Sydney Mardi Gras.

Magnus may have been dressed relatively sedately, but there was something in the way he walked, his confidence and his perfectly plucked eyebrows that made Alec think that his work clothes were far from his norm. It felt like a long time since Alec had been dragged to gay bars on twink night by his uni friends, but he never forgot the way his cheeks heated as the men had turned to throw him appreciative looks. The way something in his stomach uncurled and warmed when a cute guy offered to buy him a drink.

It wasn't like Alec was in the closet, he didn't like to think of himself as someone who hid who he was, but it really didn't come up that often. His friends knew, of course, but Alec had been single since before he graduated vet and Alec didn't like to share his personal life with his co-workers and clients. It's not like he had to disclose his gayness to his place of work and it was pretty easy to dodge any personal questions from farmers.

Of course, it didn't help that Alec was terrified of how his sexual orientation would be perceived in the small rural town he lived and worked in...

None of this really even mattered. Or it didn't. Until Alec found himself curiously attracted to the new intern. Who was going to be staying in his house. For three months.

Fuck.

Pulling into the clinic car park, Alec had barely stopped moving before Magnus had thrown his door open and had legged it into the clinic.  _Well, that was odd_ , Alec thought. Creasing his brow, he followed the man into the building.

Clary was sitting at her desk, phone tucked between her ear and shoulder, while she typed into her computer. Waving a quiet “Hello”, Alec slipped past the nurse and into the “Staff only” office and treatment room.

Magnus was nowhere to be seen.

Seeing his confused look, Lydia, the other full-time vet at the clinic, nudged Alec, “Looking for the new kid? I think he ran to the bathroom.” She gestured towards the laundry and Alec nodded in understanding.

“So how'd the calving go? Any issues?”

“Nah, ended up doing a caesar, but nothing too stressful. Anything exciting in the clinic?”

Lydia filled Alec in on the morning's events while he typed up case notes.

°ºOº°

Magnus stared at himself in the mirror, fingers gripping tightly to the basin. His breath was coming in shallow gasps, and his head felt heavy. It wasn't as if Magnus had never seen blood before. He actually had quite a strong stomach. But between the stress of moving halfway around the world and the sheer terror of feeling totally unprepared for this rotation, seeing it on himself had thrown him.

Magnus closed the lid of the toilet and say down as the familiar waves of panic washed over him. He closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. In Magnus's experience, there were only three things that could calm him down. Option 1: His prescription anxiety meds. Option 2: Cat talking him through it. Option 3: pain.

The meds always left him woozy, and Cat was 10000 miles away and probably at work or asleep.

Magnus opened his palm and looked the sterile blade he had swiped from the surgical kit, also known as "option three".

°ºOº°

The day rolled on uneventfully for Alec. Magnus proved to be skilled at handling companion animal cases, both with the medicine and the client communication. And although he didn't have the strong foundations when it came to large animal medicine, he was certainly not afraid to give it a go. To Alec's surprise, he didn't blink once when it was announced that Magnus would accompany Alec on his pregnancy testing run that afternoon. Alec really thought that city-kid Magnus would baulk at being covered in shit with your arm inside a cow anus and your head (and hair) directly in the “splash zone”, but again, he was happy to be proven wrong.

Eventually, the end of the day rolled around, and Alec walked to the desk designated as the intern's.

“So, it's home time, and unless an emergency calls in, we are done for the day. I'm sure they told you, but you will be staying with me on my farm. I'm looking at heading off soon so....” Alec trailed off. He tried to maintain the 'Vet Alec' exterior while talking to Magnus, but for some reason, it just wasn't do-able. As a result, he stared intently at Magnus's laptop and spoke without any real volume or conviction.

Magnus stood and began to swiftly pack his bags. Within a few short minutes, Magnus, his satchel and his suitcases were loaded into the back of Alec's ute, and they were driving off to Alec's home.

Magnus was tired. His panic earlier had drained him, his arms hurt from the assisting with the surgery (holding that damn uterus had been  _hard_ ) and his thighs hurt from... Well, from the earlier  _episode_. He was more than ready to collapse into a warm shower and then shortly afterwards, a warm bed.

Mangus was shaken from his own thoughts as the car pulled off the main road and began winding through the dense bush. The lush underbrush interrupted by the narrow “road”. As they crested a hill, a marvelous sight was unveiled, and Alec pulled over to allow Magnus to soak it in.

Magnus didn't care much for the Australian landscape. He had always found beauty in the city, marvelling at the art and the architecture, but as he drank in the valley before him, he was awestruck by the sheer perfection of the scene in front of him.

The paddocks were an emerald green, and the trees that surrounded them were a dark olive. Tucked against the tree line was a modern, but classic home. Horses picked their way along the fence line, and the sun bathed the entire valley in a vibrant golden light that only came when the air was fresh after a torrential downpour.

Magnus sat in the passenger seat, his jaw swinging freely in the breeze. He heard a chuckle and turned to see Alec gazing at the valley fondly. A sense of understanding crept over him. “This is your home?”

Alec turned to look at him, apparently more than a little proud, “Yeah, it is. Yours too for the next few months.”

Magnus looked from Alec to the valley and back again, “It's stunning.”

Alec turned back to the sunset lit valley and smiled without a hint of cockiness, ”I know.” He started the car and rolled down towards the house.

°ºOº°

Alec didn't quite know why, but seeing Magnus well and truly floored by the picturesque valley in the light of the dying day filled him with a sense of pride and joy. He knew his home was beautiful. Alec had set it up to be his little slice of heaven, his sanctuary at the end of a long and emotionally draining day and he was acutely aware of its breath-taking photogenicity. But damn if there wasn't something special about seeing THIS man seeing it for the first time.

And Alec  _really_ did not want to examine the motivation behind that feeling. He pushed it down and tried (unsuccessfully) to slam a lid on it as he manoeuvred the ute down the bumpy driveway. Pulling up in front of the house, Alec grabbed one of Magnus's suitcases and led his houseguest on a tour. The house was large, and the rooms were spacious, once upon a time, it had been the Lightwood family residence before business picked up and made a move to the city. Two bedrooms had an en-suite, making it the perfect place for the CLAVE to stash the season's intern. Alec showed Magnus to his room and put the large bag on the bed.

“So uhh... This is your room. It has an en-suite and a closet and a desk, but I guess you can see that...” Alec looked around the bedroom, he hated this bit. He always wished he could skip ahead a few weeks to when everyone was settled, and he could stop forcing small talk.  
“Wifi password is “Anastasia Beaverhausen," no spaces and no caps, and yeah, I’ll write that one down for you.”

Magnus laughed, “No need, I’m pretty sure I’ve got that one.”

Alec raised an eyebrow, it wasn’t the _most_ obscure reference, but the show was more than a little dated.

Magnus bit back another laugh at his host’s expression, “ I think I really need a shower, I have shit in all sorts of places.”

It was Alec’s turn to laugh, “Look, I didn’t want to say anything, but you’ve got some on your cheek, and there is a bit you missed on the underside of your forearm.” The taller vet itched to lift his hand and brush away the mark, but he held himself in check.

 “Oh for fuck’s sake, I thought I got it all!” Magnus swore, before lifting a hand to his mouth, “Fuck, I probably shouldn’t swear in front of my supervisor.”

Smiling Alec shook his head, “Don’t worry about it, most of our clients swear like sailors and there is something about being covered head to toe in mud and shit that makes a few blue words seem less important.”

Magnus ducked his head and turned towards the shower, “So, uhh, I’m just gonna..” He motioned over his shoulder towards the en-suite.

Alec smiled and nodded, “No worries, I'm going to start defrosting food for dinner. I was going to make lamb as a "welcome to Dourin" thing, but if you don't like lamb you are more than welcome to organise your own from what's in the fridge...”

Magnus was smiling with unashamed happiness, “That sounds amazing. I wouldn't dream of turning down an offer of roast.”

Alec returned the smile and left the room, letting the American settle in and wash off the grime of the day.

°ºOº°

Dinner was a fairly sedate affair, but Magnus had to admit that the man could  _cook_. The second he left the shower, the scent of perfectly roasted meat had wrapped around him, and Magnus drifted toward it much like a cartoon character, floating through the air, led by the nose.

It was a simple meal, meat, potatoes, broccoli and corn. But the meat was perfectly seasoned, the potatoes were coated in a delicious garlic butter, and the vegetables were flawlessly cooked. Alexander Lightwood was clearly a man who like things to be straightforward but impeccably executed.

The decor of the house followed that same theme. The lines were clean, and the materials weren't fancy, but Magnus could tell that the craftsmanship was first rate. Similarly, the furniture seemed basic, but the pieces were of excellent quality. Magnus knew he could be exceedingly happy spending his time in this valley, especially if he managed to crack its owner.

Alec was quiet and reserved all through dinner. Any attempts at making conversation fizzled quickly and left Magnus wondering if the man seated across from him was always this way, or if there was something about Magnus that brought it out. Magnus had been worried about spending time with the production vets. They just tended to be so much more  _country_. Ok, so it may have been a bit of a stereotype that they were all country hicks, but Magnus was having a lot of trouble shaking the feeling that Alec had a problem with Magnus himself.

Suddenly, Alec stood, “It is getting late, and we need to leave here by 7.30 in the morning. I would suggest that it is very close to bedtime.”

Magnus grabbed his now empty plate and followed his supervisor to the kitchen, scraping off his scraps and stacking the dishwasher with quiet efficiency. They said quiet 'goodnights' and disappeared into their respective bedrooms.

Quickly recording the day's events in his case log, Magnus then crawled into bed and stared up at the ceiling. He had no idea what tomorrow would bring, but Alexander Lightwood was fast becoming a puzzle he itched to solve. Setting the alarm on his phone, Magnus rolled over and drifted into a fitful sleep.


	2. Getting to Know You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter of tooth-rotting fluff, mostly. There are some casual racism moments (by an OMC, dw none of your favs are the cause) in the first half.
> 
> FYI 4-in-1 is a pre-made mix of magnesium, calcium, glucose and phosphorus.
> 
> The other piece of background info you need is that older, more conservative Australians have this real hate of Italian and Greek looking people. It's a long story that has a lot to do with a post WWII[ renewable energy project](http://www.migrationheritage.nsw.gov.au/exhibition/newaustralia/displaced-persons-assisted-immigration/index.html) and it's all very complicated and racist. Basically, you just need to know that there is an actual fucked up history there.

By Friday, Magnus had begun to slip into a comfortable routine. Get up, share a simple breakfast with Alec and a quiet drive to the clinic. Set up the laptop, do some quick research and then wait for the first job of the day to start.

Some days it was ultrasounding cows, some days it was an emergency, others it was just an annual vaccination check-up for a working dog. Magnus couldn't complain that the work was dull, every day was different, and he was covering a diverse number of topics. It meant that there was a lot of research needed to be done, especially since Magnus had basically no experience in any of it.

The whole situation was, frankly, overwhelming.

Magnus was sitting at his desk, wrapped up in an article about hypomagnesia in beef cattle when someone cleared their throat. Looking up from the laptop, Magnus saw Alec standing next to the desk. In the last week, his supervisor had warmed to him slightly but still seemed to be trying to keep his house guest at arm's length. When he had spoken to Clary, a nurse at the clinic that Magnus was quickly growing fond of, she had said that Alec liked to keep to himself and took quite some time to become comfortable around new people.

Turning to Alec, Magnus plastered his warmest, most enthusiastic smile on his face, “Has an emergency come in?”

Alec smiled, it seemed that his supervisor was starting to loosen up a little after all, “Yep. Down cow on a beef farm. I thought you might like to have a go at working up a case from a history.”

Magnus shot to his feet; he may not love large animal medicine, but he could appreciate being given opportunities. He gathered his farm gear and loaded into Alec's ute.

Once they were on the road, Magnus turned to Alec, “So, do you have a history?”

Alec grinned, “Yep.” He stared directly at the road.

“Can I know any of it?”

Alec laughed gently, “I'm not going to spoon feed you, you have to ask the right questions.”

Magnus smiled back; Alec was testing him, seeing if he could work out what was important.

“Alright, what sort of cow is it?”

“She's an Angus cow.”

Magnus smiled, “So it's a cow, not a bull or a steer. How old is she?”

“She's 4 or 5 years old.” Alec was deliberately holding back any information unless Magnus asked him directly. He wanted to see what sort of picture Magnus was building in his head.

“Ok, so she's not too young and not too old...” Magnus was thinking, and Alec could practically see the gears turning in his head. “When did she have her calf?”

“That is a really important question!” Magnus preened slightly in the light of the indirect praise as Alec continued, “The farmer said she calved last night, and he had to pull the calf cos the cow couldn’t get it out on her own.”

Magnus looked up at the grey sky through the windscreen, “And it was a really crappy day yesterday...” Yesterday had been a day of strong wind and heavy rains. Exactly the sort of day that made Magnus glad he was going to spend the rest of his life as a small animal vet. Indoors. With a heater.

Alec let Magnus stew for another few seconds then asked, “So what are your thoughts?”

Magnus wrinkled his perfectly sculpted eyebrows, “She calved yesterday, and it was a difficult birth, so I guess it could be calving paralysis, but the weather plus the calving means a day off food, so hypomag is also likely. I suppose it could also be hypocalcemia, but I know that's not as common in beef cattle...”

Alec was nodding, “Someone’s been doing their homework. That’s a decent list of possible causes. So! What are we going to do when we arrive?”

As they quickly discussed diagnostic and treatment protocols, Alec turned down a nondescript driveway and followed it until they came across a man on a quad-bike. Rolling down the window, Alec leant out, “Macca! Didja call about a down cow?”

“Macca” was a middle-aged man with a deeply lined face. It looked as though he had spent far too many hours out in the sun. He was wearing mud-splattered clothes, and a torn jumper, half of his face was hidden by a beaten up Akubra hat. The picture of the Aussie, country farmer.

“Yeah, she's just up the lane on the left. I'll head up and grab the gates for ya.”

On that note, the quad roared to life, and he zipped off up the driveway, taking a left down a laneway.

As they followed Macca, the cow in question came into view. She was lying on her side, and there were marks in the dirt that made it clear that a) all 4 legs were working and b) he had been trying to get up on her own.

Alec and Magnus got out of the car and quickly slipped on their overalls and gumboots. “Macca, this is Magnus, he's with the clinic for the next few months to learn about how we do things out this way.”

Magnus took Macca's offered hand and tried his hardest to ignore the obvious way the farmer looked him up and down with clear skeptisism. “Where ya from, Magnus? Was it?”

“Yeah, it was. And New York. I've just come over to Australia for an exchange type thing.” Magnus had started to get that sinking feeling in his gut that usually signalled that this conversation was headed in an uncomfortable direction.

Macca nodded and narrowed his eyes, taking in Magnus's styled hair and well-groomed eyebrows, “What sort of name is "Magnus" anyway?”

Suppressing a sigh, Magnus replied simply, “My parents were hippies.”

Not true, but he didn't owe this stranger his life story. Without waiting for a response, he followed Alec over to the cow. The other vet handed him a stethoscope, “Why don't you give her a quick look over and then tell me what you think while I finish getting things from the car?”

Intensely grateful for the chance to ignore the farmer he could feel staring at him, Magnus slipped the earpieces into his ears and pressed the bell of the stethoscope to the animal's chest and listened. After 20 seconds or so, he stood and walked around the cow, taking stock of what he could see.

“So, the heart doesn't sound particularly interesting, rate, rhythm and sounds all seem pretty normal to me. Her back legs can move, and she has made attempts to stand, so I don't think it's calving paralysis. I think it's probably hypomag, but I can't rule out hypocal either. So I say we should give her some 4-in-1 and then give her some time.”

Alec smiled, “Great work, I think that’s a solid plan. The other thing I noticed was that she also has some muscle tremors”, he pointed at the cow's flank where Magnus could see some trembling in the muscles of the cow’s leg.

Walking away to grab the treatments, Alec left Magnus with the client and the cow. Macca walked over to stand next to Magnus and stared at the sick cow with his arms folded, “So where are you from originally?”

Magnus raised an eyebrow, didn't they already cover this? That sinking feeling was back. “Like I said, New York for as long as I can remember really.”

“Yeah, but before that,” Magnus stared at the farmer blankly. He was all prepped to deal with the queer thing, and the racism kinda caught him off guard. Macca pushed on, “Y'know. Like, where were you born?”

“In a hospital?”

Macca crossed his arms and huffed slightly, clearly irritated with the lack of answer, “Yeah, but what country?”

When Magnus answered it came out slightly snappier than he had intended it to, “Somewhere in Jakarta. I don't know why it matters, I lived in America since before I could walk.”

Oblivious, Macca continued, “Y'know I went to Bali last year for a holiday. Nice place. Super cheap to visit.”

Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “Is that right?”

Macca nodded, “Oh yeah. And your people are just so eager to keep us happy. I had the most helpful tuk tuk driver.”

Magnus crossed his arms, “You know Bali and Jakarta are over 600 miles apart right?”

The farmer laughed, “Ah, all you lot are basically the same right?”

Bit his tongue until he could taste blood. He took a very deep breath and plastered on his “customer service smile”, “I'm just going to go and see if Alec needs a hand.”

Macca smiled and waved Magnus off, totally oblivious to the intern’s fury.

Alec looked up to see his mentee stalking around the back of the ute, one eye twitching, face stormy and fists clenched. Alec frowned, “Everything ok?”

Magnus took another deep breath and blew it out through clenched teeth, “Yeah, it's nothing...” He looked up and met Alec's eyes, and forced a smile, “Can I grab anything for you?”

Alec narrowed his eyes, clearly not believing anything Magnus was saying. But he pushed his doubts to the side, there was a long car ride on the way home to discuss things after all. “Yeah, have you ever placed a jugular catheter in a cow before?”

The two men wandered back to the cow and Alec walked Magnus through placing the IV line. He then began to squeeze the bag of minerals into the vein, all while listening carefully to the cow's heartbeat. Once the bag was empty, Alec stood and looked at Macca. “Alright, so we've given her a bag of 4-in-1 to bump up her blood magnesium and calcium. I reckon it's probably grass tetany, what with the weather and all.”

Macca nodded, and launched into a long winded discussion about the currently climatic conditions and the “hoax” that was climate change. _“If it it’s global WARMING, then why is it so bloody cold here?!”_

Thirty minutes later, the cow was lying on her belly, legs folded under her, Macca had specific care instructions for the coming weeks and Alec was speeding away from the farm with Magnus sitting quietly in the front seat.

Alec glanced towards his passenger, “So, want to tell me what happened on the farm?”

Magnus looked confused, “What do you mean?” Alec looked across at the man in his passengers seat. Magnus was tense, his back ramrod straight, his hands clenched in tight fists. And for once, Alec didn’t think it had anything to do with his driving.

“Did Macca say something? You looked like you were trying to kill someone with your eyes.”

Magnus laughed gently and Alec swore he heard the American mutter “ _if only”_ under his breath. “It was nothing important. Just something Macca said. It was nothing, really.'

Alec looked more closely at the intern and his decidedly handsome face ( _wait, where did that thought come from?)_ Magnus looked blank, he looked… Depressed, “It doesn't look like nothing.”

Rubbing his face, Magnus replied, “He was just being a bit of a dick about the fact that I'm Indonesian. Just pushing to know where I'm from 'originally.' And when I answered, he just told me that Bali is a cheap place to visit and that _my people_ are so helpful.”

Magnus was biting his tongue again as the irritation bubbled over into righteous anger and the accompanying tears tried to leak out of his eyes.

Alec nodded, “Yeah I'm sorry... if I knew that was happening I would have intervened.” Magnus snuck a look across at the driver as he continued, “When I first came to work out here, I had shit loads of clients ask me similar sorts of things. Asking me where I was born or how I went living here if there was no good place to get pasta, that sort of thing.” He smiled sadly at Magnus, “The phrase "micro-aggression" really isn't on the radar out here.”

Magnus smiled ruefully at his mentor, “Does it get easier?”

Alec smiled sadly and sighed, “People got used to me eventually, and I learnt to brush the worst of it off. Once some of our rougher clientele started to trust me, they stopped calling me 'The Wog Vet', so that was nice.”

Magnus huffed out a short laugh, “It's the little things in life isn't it?”

“Yeah. It's why I kinda keep the gay thing quiet. I don't need to give people any more ammunition.”

Alec had no idea why he just said that. He was acutely aware that Magnus had snapped his head around to stare at him, mouth slightly open. Alec's cheeks burned, and a feeling of dread started to grow in his gut. He trusted Magnus for some reason, felt a kinship of sorts. He was sure of himself a few seconds ago, but as the silence from his passenger lasted longer and longer, the surety faded.

Eventually, Magnus spoke, “I was so scared to come out here, to this posting.” Magnus was staring straight ahead, focussing on the road as it zipped past them. “You may have noticed, but my style is a little... Flamboyant.” He looked down at his hands, and Alec saw that his nails were short, rounded and painted in a subtle, glossy beige. An unusual choice for a man in country Australia. “I was terrified that I'd come out here, and people would see an over the top queer American and nothing more. And that's on top of me not exactly being quiet about not wanting to work in production medicine...”

Alec softened, the anxiety that had grown since he outed himself dissolved in the face of Magnus's admission. “I know what you mean. If it makes you feel better in any way, most people are too,” Alec hesitated, choosing his words carefully, “polite to be overtly dick-ish. Outright abuse isn't commonplace, but you'll get a fair share of snide remarks. And using 'gay' or 'queer' as in insult is pretty standard.”

Alec paused and studied Magnus carefully, taking care to let compassion and concern to show through his face, “You can always come to me if you need to talk about something.”

Magnus turned to meet Alec's gaze and smiled warmly, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

The two men broke the eye-contact and turned back to face the road, each reflecting quietly on the conversation.

The rest of the return journey passed without incident, and the pair made it back to the clinic just in time for lunch. Friday was takeaway day, and as they walked through the door, Clary threw a menu at Magnus. “We haven't ordered yet, so you have impeccable timing. You have five minutes to decided what you want because I am fucking hungry. I highly recommend getting a burger with the lot.”

Magnus looked down at the menu Lydia had thrust into his hands and studied it carefully. Apparently, lunch was being ordered from the aptly named “Fish'n'Chip” shop who sold, amazingly, fish and chips. As well as a selection of hamburgers and chicken burgers. He looked up at Clary who was waiting expectantly, “Uhhh the burger I guess if you recommend it.” He flashed her his 1000-megawatt smile.

“Excellent choice! Alec, the usual?”

Alec just smiled and nodded, and Clary practically ran to the phone to order.

Magnus chuckled to himself quietly. Everyone who worked in this building was such a character that Magnus was enjoying his time there far, far more than expected. Turning, he followed Alec through to the office, where Lydia was sitting at her desk, typing away. Looking up at the men as they entered, she smiled, “So, Magnus. Ready for your first weekend in beautiful Doruin? We have quite a night life.”

Alec chuckled, “By that, Lydia means that the roads are full of roos after dark and you need to be careful not to hit them.”

Lydia laughed, “Well technically it IS night-time life... Has Alec told you what he's got planned for tomorrow?”

Alec shot the blonde vet an irritated look as Magnus whipped his head around at his gracious host, “No. He hadn't.”

Lydia laughed again, “Oops!” She walked away from the desk, leaving Magnus looking at Alec in amusement and confusion.

“So, what grand plans do you have in store for me tomorrow?”

Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus's teasing tone. Apparently, a wall had come down during their car ride confessions. “Nothing too special. On Saturday mornings, I ride around the property and check my fences. I usually invite the intern of the season to join me.” Amusement was replaced with the hesitation Magnus had come to expect from the young Dr. Lightwood. “If you want to, that is.”

Magnus beamed, “It sounds lovely”, pausing, he added, “when you say ride....”

Alec laughed and walked away.

°ºOº°

It was 6 am on Saturday morning when something woke Magnus up. Rolling over, he determined that the 'something' was actually Alec, jabbing him in the shoulder.

“Hey, Magnus. Hey! It's wake up time!”

Magnus rolled over and tucked his head under the pillow. Alec responded by throwing something spiky onto his back. The spiky thing seemed to resent being used as a missile and ran across Magnus's back, claws out and spitting. The sharp pain had Magnus rolling over quickly and sitting up.

“What the HELL was that?”

Alec just laughed and held out a cup of tea. “That would be my cat, Church. He is an antisocial feline, but he makes an excellent alarm clock.”

Magnus groaned and accepted the cup of tea. Something in his gut twisted as he realised that Alec had made him a cup of tea, and it was exactly how Magnus liked it. “What time is it?”

“About 6 am. Breakfast is ready, and we need to head out really soon if you want to see it.”

Magnus, glad he decided to actually wear pants to bed for a change, swung his legs out and followed Alec into the kitchen. It smelt like scrambled eggs and sausage. “See what?”

Alec smiled, dishing up breakfast onto plates, “You'll just have to wait to find out.”

Twenty minutes later, Alec was leading a confused Magnus out to an old shipping container. It was just before dawn, the dim grey light was just bright enough for Magnus to appreciate the fine specimen of human in front of him. He had known Alec was beautiful before, but finding out that he was gay, and that attraction may possibly be reciprocated made him a helluva lot hotter.

Shaking himself off that dangerous train of thought, Magnus stepped inside the shipping container, “So, is this where you kill me and dispose of my body?”

Alec laughed and flipped on a light. The room was full of saddles and other horse-related gear. “No, though by tomorrow morning you might wish I had killed you. Your arse and thighs are going to hurt in ways you didn't think were possible.”

Magnus turned away to hide the fact that he was quietly losing his shit. He often walked away from days spent with hot men with a sore arse and thighs. Though it had never involved quite so much leather before. Maybe it was time to broaden his horizons...

Turning back to face his host, Magnus saw Alec staring at him with an eyebrow raised. He was holding a saddle, blanket and some straps. Quickly, Magnus accepted the bundle and watched Alec gather his own tack.

Falling into step behind Alec again, it really was a great arse, they walked down a small hill towards a round yard made out of portable fence panels. It was filled with sand and milling around in the middle were two horses. Magnus watched as Alec threw his tack over a low railing and walked up and caught one of the horses, slipping a lead rope onto its halter and walked it over to Magnus. The damn thing looked huge.

“Magnus, meet Bonnie. She is a Clydesdale mare and will be your ride for the day.”

Magnus looked between Alec and the gigantic equid. “How the hell am I meant to ride this beast?”

Alec laughed and swapped out Magnus's tack for the lead rope. He dropped the saddle down next to his own, “Don't stress, I've got a milk crate to help you get on.”

Magnus eyed the creature wearily, “I promise to be nice to you if you don't try to kill me.”

The horse blinked.

Clearly, she understood.

After an unnerving period of time, and more than a few choice swear words, Magnus was sitting astride the horse. If he thought she was big before, it paled in comparison to how large she felt when he was seated on Bonnie's back.

“Alec, I have no idea what I am doing. I am going to fall off and die.”

Alec smiled, clearly enjoying himself, “You'll be fine, you might fall off, but you _probably_ won’t die. Bon might be big, but she is slow and easy going. All she wants to do is follow the horse in front. You won't even have to steer. Just sit and enjoy the view.”

Magnus swallowed nervously, but the nerves were replaced by something else as he watched Alec smoothly swing himself onto his own horse. He was clearly an excellent rider, perfectly at ease perched on his horse. Gully was much smaller than Bonnie, skinnier, with pointy ears. Bon stood sedately as Gully trotted around the perimeter of the round yard, his tail held high in the air. Clearly, one of them was keen to get moving.

As Alec steered his horse out through the gate, Bonnie lurched reluctantly into motion. Magnus focussed all his energy on sitting as Alec had shown him, hands at hip height, back straight, head high and heels down.

He had never felt more ridiculous.

Alec, on the other hand, was a picture of grace. He moved in perfect harmony with his steed as if they were communicating telepathically. Magnus was a turned on as he was jealous.

And sitting in a hard sadly in tight jeans with a raging hard-on was no mean feat.

Magnus had been so absorbed by the stunning man in front of him, that he hadn't realised that they were reaching the top of one of the hills that formed the valley where Alec's house was situated. Looking up, he gasped.

The sun, which had not yet reached the valley, cast a beautiful golden light across the landscape. It perfectly offset the fields and trees, transforming it into another world. Magnus was strongly reminded of the Shire from Lord of the Rings.

At some point, Alec had dismounted and was leading Gully and Bonnie by their bridles to the very top of the hill. He turned his eyes from Magnus and out to the valley, “I wanted to show you the sunrise...”

Magnus looked down (his horse was  _a lot_  bigger than Alec's) at his companion as his heart swelled. He hated being up early, but for this, and for the man who had brought him here, Magnus would make an exception.

“It's amazing... Thank you.”

Alec smiled and helped Magnus dismount (which was a far more terrifying experience than he had expected). As his feet hit the grass, a jarring pain shot up his legs, and his knees rudely declined to support his weight. Magnus would have crumpled to the ground, if not for Alec's arms, quickly wrapping around his waist, steadying him.

“Huh, the ground is a little further away than I expected...”

Alec smiled, “Yeah, that can sometimes happen...”

They stood like that, Alec's arms wrapped around Magnus's waist, for a long second. Magnus would like to say that he wasn't staring longingly into Alec's eyes, but it would be a bit of a lie. He watched a flush slowly creep up the taller man's neck and fill his cheeks. Magnus was beginning to cherish the moment's he made Alec blush, feeling driven to make it appear again and again.

Gully chose that moment to be startled by a magpie's call. Whinnying loudly, he broke the spell that seemed to have fallen over the two men. Suddenly, they both sprung backwards and Alec busied himself with fixing something or rather on the saddle of his horse.

Magnus looked to his own, raising a hand to scratch Bonnie's face absentmindedly, “Well, that  _was_ rather interesting...” He spoke softly, and no sound reached Alec's ears.

Alec had stayed quiet during the ride back to the house. He had allowed himself to admit that he found Magnus attractive, he wasn't blind after all, but once Alec had outed himself to Magnus, something had changed. He felt as if the ice Alec kept around himself had melted and somehow, this man had wormed his way into Alec's heart.

When Alec had found himself catching an unstable Magnus on the dismount, time had stopped, and something had clunked into place. Few things in Alec's life had felt as  _right_ as holding the smaller man in his arms. He had known Magnus for less than a week and yet somehow he was imagining a future with him.

Shaking his head slightly, he returned his attention to the ride. Gully was less than impressed with the sedate pace and was beginning to get a little restless. Turning to look at Magnus, Alec called out, “I'm just going to zip down the laneway, give Gully a bit of a good run. Bonnie should just keep plodding in the direction you point her, and I'll be back in no time at all.”

Magnus paled slightly but nodded, and Alec smiled as he raced off down the lane. There were few times Alec felt as  _alive_  as he did flying across the fields on horseback. Everything else just melts away, leaving him, his horse and the wind whipping through his hair.

Magnus watched Alec fly away. He was standing up in his stirrups and Magnus had a spectacular view of his arse. He may not be totally sold on this horse thing, but he  _was_ totally sold on watching Alec do the horse thing. The other vet disappeared from view and Magnus reluctantly turned away and trudged towards the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Old timey voice* Next time on "Blood, Vet and Fears": Alec does a vet thing, Magnus learns a thing, they share a meal and something cute happens.


	3. Coming down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus comes down from his Saturday high and Alec talks to Cat for the first time as Cat's near obsessive need to make sure her friend is doing OK comes to the surface
> 
> Brief mentions of self-harm and disordered eating behaviours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry about the late update. Things have been a little shite on my end lately and the energy to write has been escaping me.
> 
> Also, I wrote this chapter from scratch around 4 times before I settled on something I didn't hate, so I hope it turned out ok!

Magnus should have known that any day that followed such a magical Saturday would be utter shit. As predicted, he was sore as fuck. Magnus had muscles that ached that he was sure were not covered in second-year anatomy. Maybe humans had muscles in their ass that animals didn't. Ones especially designed to hurt after mere seconds of horse riding.

The blinds were open, and Magnus watched heavy rains roll across the paddocks. There was no thunder, no lightning and no wind, but the rain beat down with an intensity that made Magnus wonder if they were going to make it into work on Monday. Surely the driveway at least was going to be an unpassable mess if the weather didn't let up. Magnus idly watched the rain, watching the subtle changes in the greying landscape - the way thicker bands would roll through or how despite the ferocity of the downpour, the trees seemed not to move.

Magnus had no idea how long he had lain in the same position, unmoving, but after some time, he came to realise that he didn't have it in him to get up and start his day. A pile of work waited for Magnus under the bed - assignments and case logs and research. But the thought of trying even to reach down and find the laptop was exhausting. It was as if his body had become fashioned from lead as he slept, every part of Magnus felt heavy. Some part of his mind chuckled at the thought - how could a body feel so heavy when the soul felt so hollow? But that part of the young vet's mind was so far removed from his body that Magnus barely even noticed the thought passing.

°ºOº°

Catrina looked at the clock - it was 11 pm on a Saturday, and she hadn't heard from her friend in days. 11 pm in NYC meant 1 pm on Sunday afternoon for Magnus. He typically made a point of contacting her at least twice a week, partly because they were friends and they missed each other, but mostly because Magnus knew Cat worried. Everyone joked that she was the 'mom' friend, but Cat knew her concern was well founded when it came to Magnus. He hadn't coped so well through vet school. Magnus was smart, and he was a good student, but the man had started vet to save animals. He hadn't given a second thought to the amount of work, the hours or the stress that would come with his career change. But Magnus had coped.

He had coped the same way a lot of his colleagues did. He pushed it all down and bottled it all up until he ran out of room to store all the stress, and the stress turned to panic.

Mental illness wasn't something you talked about in vet. Fun fact: putting 50 high-achieving young adults in a deeply competitive pressure cooker, turning up the heat and them letting them loose with surgical blades was a recipe for disaster.

Admitting you were struggling was a weakness.

Asking for help was a weakness.

And weakness was unacceptable to most.

Not that Cat was immune. Far from it. Med school was its own bucket of crazy. But a high school career plagued by pushy parents and the insatiable need to make the honour roll and valedictorian tore her down early. She had learnt to cope and deal long before winding up at Cornell. Not that she had had a choice. If she hadn't the depression that gripped her senior year would have killed her.

So, when Cat noticed that Magnus wasn't quite  _right_ , she had pulled him aside and sat him down. Her long-time friend seemed mostly fine to outsiders. Anything they  _did_  notice down to stress. But Cat saw more than that.

She saw the subtle changes in routine, saw lies that didn't quite add up and the thousand other things that no one thought were important. Like the way Magnus stopped wearing eyeliner to college, or the way his coloured streaks were allowed to grow out. The final straw had come when Magnus didn't pay attention to the details of Cat's sordid story from her date. Yes, it all seems so shallow and superficial, but it meant Magnus no longer cared about maintaining the outer layer of his shell. The shell that had remained intact when he hated his job in design so much that he has walked away from what he had thought would be his dream job. A shell that was solid as Cat and Magnus buried their friend and a shell that survived the hell that was Camille 'The-Crazy-Ex' Belcourt.

So, for Magnus to drop it meant that something was seriously wrong.

One night, Cat had taken Magnus back to her flat and dropped him at the dining table. She fixed him with her 1000-yard stare that her time as a nurse had afforded her and waited. After a very long, very painful 20 minutes and a bottle and a half of wine, Magnus had started to talk.

He told Cat about how he was panicking nearly all the time, how he couldn't focus on anything over the rushing noise in his ears. He told her that some days his heart was nowhere to be found and even the simplest of tasks seemed impossible because he simply couldn't muster up the energy to move. Magnus had buried his face in his hands as he told his friend that everything felt out of control, like each semester he started with his feet on the bottom of the pool, but each day the water got deeper and deeper until it was all he could do to crack the surface to gasp in some air.

Cat held her best friend as he admitted that he had cracked one day. Magnus hadn't been able to shake this looping thought. This weird, totally illogical thought, that if he took a surgical scalpel and sliced through his skin, everything would be okay. He had said that he fought it for weeks and weeks, but one day on prac Magnus hadn't emptied his work pants' pockets at the end of the day, and some sharps had made it home with him. He recounted the way he sat on the bed, toying with the blade for hours, before giving in.

Once the barriers had opened, every shameful secret had flooded out, and Cat had pushed and pushed for every detail. She knew that it was like an abscess. You have to get all the pus out before you can stitch up the wound.

She poked and prodded, looking for small pockets of pus that were hidden. Magnus told her about the cutting. About how it had gotten so bad that he had stitched a few back together himself. He told her how he no longer had an appetite and how skipping meals made him feel that he was somehow  _better_  than his peers.

It didn't all make sense to Cat, but it was causing her friend pain, and that was all that mattered.

The night had ended with Magnus curled up in Cat's arms on the couch as she promised him that they'd work something out.

The next day, Cat was holding his hand and walking Magnus through the doors of the campus medical centre.

Eventually, Magnus realised that this wasn't something that would ever fully go away, but it  _was_ something he could learn to deal with in a more constructive manner. The urge to cut never really faded. It reared its ugly head every time he screwed up, or got overwhelmed and skipping meals never stopped being second nature. But Cat watched as Magnus had learnt to cope. He picked up art as a hobby and asked for extensions when he needed time to breathe. She helped him prepare food for the week and distracted him when things got bad. In turn, Magnus made sure that Cat took time off for herself and actually took a break once in awhile.

The two of them just worked well. This internship was the first time the two had been apart since Cornell, and it made Cat uneasy. She didn't like the fact that she couldn't tell if he needed help.

Cat looked at the clock again and saw that it was almost midnight. Her texts and Facebook messages had gone unanswered. Her call went straight to message bank.

Worrying at her lip Cat scrolled through a month's worth of messages to find the details of the man Magnus was staying with...

°ºOº°

Alec jumped slightly as the home phone rang.

No one called the home phone. Well, unless you count telemarketers.

Which he didn't.

Glaring at the offending machine, he stalked over to it.

Cautiously, Alec lifted the handle. “Hello...?”

There was a pause from the other end of the line - a telltale sign that this was an overseas call. A quick glance at the caller ID confirmed it.

Damn telemarketers.

“Look, I am on the 'No Call' register, so I'll have you know that contacting me unsolicited is actually an offence punishable by...” Alec's pre-written spiel was interrupted by an unfamiliar American voice.

“Hello? I am so sorry to disturb you. My name is Catrina Loss; I am a friend of Magnus's. He gave me this number in case I needed to reach him. I'm probably over- reacting, but he's not answering his phone, and he always calls me on a Sunday...”

Alec smiled slightly, “Oh! Yeah. Right. I did give him this number. Sorry, the only people who call the house are usually call-centres and my mother and I'm not too keen on speaking to either...”

The voice (Catrina, Alec reminded himself) laughed, “I can understand that one... I am sorry to disturb you, but I'd really appreciate it if you could tell Magnus to call me.”

“Pft. Don't worry about it. I've done worse for my siblings. I think he's still in his room. Weather is kinda shocking today, not a lot to do... Hang on a second.”

Alec pressed the receiver to his shoulder has he knocked on the guest bedroom door. It swung open easily, and Alec saw that Magnus was curled up on his side, staring out at the rain. Something unfurled low in his stomach and Alec stamped on the feeling before it could run away from him.

“Magnus?”

Magnus took a second to respond, his eyes were open, but it was as if he was waking from a dream. Suddenly, Alec's house guest sat up in bed and smiled. Magnus raised an eyebrow suggestively as if to ask what Alec was doing standing in his room.

Furiously ignoring the way his ears burnt, Alec held out the phone, “It's for you,” Throwing the handset at the handsome man in the bed, Alec spun around and left, shutting the door behind him.

He leant against the heavy wood and ran a hand through his hair.

There was no way he had the hots for his intern.

Nope.

No way.

°ºOº°

As soon as the door closed, Magnus flopped back into his original position. The short interaction with his supervisor had drained him of what little energy Magnus had saved by spending the morning in bed.

Sighing, he raised the handset to his head and balanced it so he could just tuck his hands up under the blanket.

“Hello, this is Magnus Bane.”

The voice that responded was irritatingly familiar.

“MAGNUS BANE. WHY HAVE YOU BEEN IGNORING ME? AND WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE SHIT?”

Magnus swallowed, and rolled onto his back, “Cat. Right. Haven't been ignoring you. I was asleep.”

Cat was clearly unimpressed with his answer, “Uhhuh, asleep. It's past 2 pm where you are. You never sleep in. What's going on? Don't make me come over there.”

Magnus smiled weakly at the joke, “Nothing is going on, just a shit day I guess.”

“What do you mean a shit day?”

Magnus was suddenly irritated, “Just a shit day alright? Am I not allowed to have a shit day?”

Magnus could almost hear his friend roll her eyes from 10,000 miles away, “Magnus, you know I love you, and I worry about you. We had a skype date at 1 pm. I haven't heard from you all week, and you have no support network around you right now. Forgive me for stressing slightly. Now stop pushing me away and tell me what is happening.”

With a sigh, Magnus gave in.

He told his friend about the cutting earlier in the week, _“It's ok, we knew that things would be stressful with the move and the work. These things happen love”_ , he told her about the magical Saturday he'd had, and the inevitable come down. “I don't know Cat, I was feeling shit all week and then I had this amazing day with this amazing man, and I woke up this morning feeling shit again, and it just seemed worse than it did earlier in the week. I'll be fine, I just need to breathe and re-adjust.”

Cat had sighed, II wish I could be there for you. You know it is going to be ok right? This is just a stumble, you've had them before and you know you can get back on your feet.”

Magnus smiled, “Yeah I know, I just needed a day to wallow.”

“Fair and understandable. But wallowing does not mean avoiding me and more importantly, avoiding the handsome man who answered the phone when I called. If his body is half as sexy as his voice...”

Magnus laughed, “I'll find you a picture.”

“Oh god yes. Please tell me who to stalk on Facebook...”

As if summoned, Alec knocked on the door and stuck his head through the gap, “Hey, so uhh I know you had a lie in, but I wanted to tell you that there is some food waiting for you in the oven... If you are interested. So.... Yeah...” Alec bit his lip and despite the grey haze Magnus was floating in right at this moment, he had to admit he was suddenly struck with the need to bite that bottom lip himself.

Magnus flashed Alec his trademark charming smile and dropped his voice into a slightly lower register, “Thanks, I'll come and get it off you in a sec.”

He looked up at the man through his lashes in a way that he had been told could stop traffic and was delighted to see Alec's blush deepen. He smiled awkwardly and shut the door.

Magnus could hear Cat laughing before he even put the handset back to his ear.

“What?!”

“Are you  _trying_  to kill the poor boy?”

“Pft, it's good for him. Depressingly little action on Grindr here in good ol' Dourin!”

Cat stopped laughing suddenly, “Wait, are you telling me that he's...?”

Magnus found himself smiling, and it was a smile that he actually felt, “Yep. Told me in the car during a nice sweet bonding moment about small town racism.”

Cat huffed out a laugh, “Romantic.”

“Very. Now, if you excuse me, apparently someone has made me some food.”

“I’m just glad to hear that you are eating and getting out of bed. And don't forget to call me, I worry.”

Magnus rolled his eyes, “Yes Mom... I will also make sure I wear a jacket when I go out, and sew a penny in the corner of my handkerchief.”

“Mags... Please, I'm being serious. You know I worry about you, but no one over there knows to watch out for you so please talk to me. Especially to keep me up to date with Hotty McVet.”

“His name is Alec Lightwood, and yeah, I promise.”

Magnus and Cat said goodbye and Magnus got out of bed. A pang of guilt shot through him as the movement stretched the cuts on his legs. He had promised to talk to Cat in the future, and he would. There was no use in talking to her now about things that she couldn't change. Pushing the feeling down, he got up and pulled on his track pants and a soft tee shirt. Time to occupy himself with something a little more fun.


	4. The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am intensely sorry for the huge delay in updates. I know every author says this, but life has been crazy. Sadly, since I am a final year vet student, a few things here hit very close to home for me and I can't write when my head is that fucked up.  
> I'm not sure it's any better right now, since I wrote this at 4am on a Wednesday morning, but I'll take what I can get at this point.
> 
> This chapter needs a trigger warning for blood and the aftermath of self-harm. The actual act is off-screen.
> 
> *Minor edits to correct the "4am effect". A phenomenon where I am sure the words make sense, only to realised the next day that they do not...*

pter Text

Magnus was always shockingly good at faking it until he made it, something Catrina was all too fond of reminding him of. Once he was moving, Magnus seemed to be able to keep alive on momentum alone. It kept him running through both college degrees and through more than one shitty situation. The only problem was that he  _knew_  that he’d have to keep moving. Otherwise, he's lost it. And that was almost as tiring as moving at all.

By the end of the weekend, Magnus was exhausted. Not just tired as in “I did a lot of things and now I need a rest,” but in the “I can’t do this anymore, my soul feels heavy, and I need a rest” sort of way. In vet school, the joke was that what you needed was a short coma to really bounce back. It was the kind of tired you couldn’t seem to shake with sleep or coffee and had sent more than one of Magnus’ peers looking for something a little stronger.

Magnus was never a fan of the illegal substance route, much preferring to keep to things that were less likely to result in jail time. And so, he fought tooth and nail to stay present during the work week. Skipping meals to help stay awake, cutting to punish himself for not paying attention, for not thinking faster, for not knowing all the answers.

Logically, there was no way they were expecting Magnus, a small animal stream student, to have production and equine medicine down pat. Aside from the fact that he had basically nothing to do large animals with at uni, Magnus was in a different country. The diseases were new, the parasites were different, and the drug names were totally unfamiliar for the most part. That alone made his head spin.

The only positive in the whole experience was the man Magnus was living with.

Alec had started as hospitable but turned out to be warm, caring and funny. The taller man was an amazing cook, dangerously protective of his siblings and loyal to a fault. Magnus was intensely glad that he was a qualified (albeit newly qualified) vet and not a student. This would be all kinds of wrong if he were a student but as two vets… No reason to get in between a little bit of fun. Not like Alec was his official supervisor. No power imbalance (not that Magnus would  _mind_  a little power exchange…) which meant there was nothing legally or morally wrong with pursing the hot, gay co-worker.

Alec always had food prepared. Magnus would have been way to awkward to actually cook food in someone else’s kitchen, so the fact that it was included in his board was beyond amazing. He may not get breakfast or lunch every day, but dinner was a given. He checked in with Magnus if he didn’t get out of bed. Alec never pushed, but somehow made it clear that he was there to listen if needed.

Didn’t hurt that the man could also hit a bullseye with a bow and arrow on horseback at a gallop. If you had asked Magnus if he thought people on horses were sexy a month and a half ago, he would have told you that they were 4-legged death traps with no redeeming features. Magnus would happily eat his words if it meant he could watch Alec canter down the driveway bareback every day for the rest of his life.

But eye candy couldn’t do a thing about the steady increase in the amount of overdue work under the bed. It didn’t do anything for the overwhelming level of anxiety thinking about tackling it resulted in. Magnus knew things were getting bad when he started pocketing scalpels from the clinic regularly and was taking his anti-anxiety meds by the handful just to open his laptop.

But this is fine.

It’s short term.

Magnus would just soldier on like he always did. Bull-headed with a touch of arrogance, keeping his eyes on the hot, hot prize and thinking longingly of the end of the rotation when he would be free to travel around the state and just enjoy the sights.

Short term.

Magnus could do this.

Right?

°ºOº°

Alec swallowed his nerves and raised a hand to knock on Magnus’ door. It was Saturday, and the weather could not have been more perfect. He had noticed that Magnus had seemed  _off_  all week. He had originally put it down to personality, but there was no getting around the fact that Magnus swung hot and cold. One moment the smaller man would be all social butterfly, flirting outrageously with the clinic staff, or laughing and joking over dinner, and the next he would be withdrawn and quickly retreat to his room.

He may just be getting to know this new man, but Alec was sure that something was up. The trans-continental call from Magnus’ hometown friend just confirmed his suspicions. Over the following week, Alec paid closer attention. He saw the way Magnus’ 1000-gigawatt smile dropped once he thought no one was looking. Alec noticed the bags that grew under Magnus’ eyes and the way he tended to drift to sleep in the car. It was almost as if didn’t have the energy to get through the day.

_Maybe he doesn’t_

Alec wasn’t naïve to that struggle. He was the oldest son of extraordinarily ambitious parents, both vets. The principle owners of C.L.A.V.E in fact. The sheer weight of their expectations had really done a number on him first at high school and then at uni. But he was solid with his siblings, and they were always around to support each other. Jace and Izzy also worked for C.L.A.V.E, but had the honour of working at a more central branch. It was Alec who goes to man the regional branch. It had been presented as a huge honour to be trusted to run your own clinic, but it was the veterinary equivalent of being posted to somewhere in Siberia. Nothing exciting happened and it is where you went if you pissed off the higher ups.

Point is, Alec knew about maladaptive coping mechanisms.

And once he started looking, Magnus had literal  _shitloads_  of them. He skipped meals (so Alec made sure he never had to worry about finding food) and got really skittish and withdrawn if he got something wrong. If the focus was on Magnus, he turned into a totally new person. Charisma out of the wazoo and just the right amount of familiarity, and always deflecting any serious probing question.

Alec had questions, and he would really appreciate some answers.

Shaking his head, he knocked on the door. “Magnus? You up? It’s a real nice day, and I thought you’d like to see some more of the property…”

Alec strained his ears and resisted the urge to press one against the door to listen to the muffled scrambling and soft cursing.

“Magnus? Everything ok?”

There was a loud thump followed by a much clear “ _Goddamn!”_

Alec pushed the door open.

He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he really didn’t expect to see Magnus sitting on the floor, shirtless, tangled in bedsheets and wearing grey track pants.

Alec had caught a brief flash of resignation cross Magnus’ face before it settled into an exasperated smirk. Alec leaned against the door frame, “You right there? Need a hand?”

Magnus rolled his eyes, “No, I think I got it, thanks.” In the attempt to push himself into a standing position, Magnus tripped on the sheets and fell flat on his face.

Alec instinctively winced in sympathy before dissolving into laughter. He crossed the room and offered a hand to the tanned man struggling valiantly with the sheets.

Magnus grabbed the hand and hauled himself up right. He pointedly ignored Alec’s laughter and brushed himself off, glaring at the offending pieces of linen. “Apparently, you had something planned for us today?” Magnus asked, keen to get the conversation past this awkward moment.

Alec, the ghost of laughter still evident on his face replied, “Yeah, I thought you’d like to experience the joy that is the quad bike. I was thinking about taking my bow as well, could show you some things…?”

He trailed off somewhat lamely, dropping his eyes to the floor.

Magnus opened his mouth to respond when Alec saw it.

“Magnus? What’s that?”, pointing towards Magnus’ pants

Magnus looked shocked, “My, my, my Alexander, that’s a little forward don’t you think?”

Alec shook his head, “Very funny, but Magnus, I'm serious. Want to explain why there is fresh blood staining the thigh of your track pants?” Alec was staring Magnus in the eye as he clarified, and so got to see the colour drain from the other man’s face.

Magnus smiled weakly, “I’m a vampire?”

Alec closed his eyes and let out a sigh, “Mags, what’s going on?”

Magnus took the break in eye contact as a chance to make a break for the chest of draws, quickly, he grabbed some clean clothes and made a beeline for the bathroom. “Nothing, everything is fine. Quad bikes and archery sounds divine. Just let me get changed.”

Alec quickly stepped in front of Magnus to prevent his escape. He had grabbed the tanned man firmly by the shoulders, “Please, don’t run from me, what’s happening?”

The American ducked his head and tried to ignore the way this whole situation was unfolding like a cliché fanfic. Magnus found himself being steered towards the edge of the bed and forced to sit. Alec plonked himself down beside him but kept a hand on Magnus’ bicep, and his body turned to face him.

Alec squeezed Magnus’s arm gently, prompting him to speak, taking a deep breath, “It’s nothing ok? I’m doing fine, really.”

Alec looked sad, “I think we might have rather different ideas about what “fine” means… Magnus, I get it. You are away from all your people, there is a lot of work you need to do and it is all in a field you don’t give a shit about. Eventually, something feels like it’s gotta give. So you let yourself have small moments of fucked-up-edness to blow off steam. Just.. Just let me do the friend thing and worry and try to help you. Ok?”

Magnus was frozen. So many parts of that spiel were unexpected, but did he just say  _friends?_

Alec was pushing on, “I’m not going to report this or anything, weirdly, I am not required to unless you are injured in the workplace, but we need to do something. Apparently, you aren’t coping right now. What do you do at home when shit gets bad?”

Magnus’ brain was still reeling, so it took a moment and a bit of prompting to find an answer, “I uh. I talk to Cat, who then talks me into being wrapped up in blankets and having a movie day with her and our other friends…”

Alec was nodding, his face thoughtful, “Ok, here is what is going to happen. You are going to let me check the wounds and then dress them. I am going to call my sister who is always excellent at looking after me when I feel like shit. We are then going to wrap you in blankets and watch Netflix. How does that sound?”

Magnus blinked. He’d met Jace and Izzy when he was on his other rotations, he adored Isabelle, and the idea of seeing her actually made him feel better, rather than filling him with the dread of having to interact with other people. Mutely, he nodded. Alec nodded in return and stood, pulling Magnus along gently by the hand. He allowed himself to be guided out to the living room where Alec suggested that he step out of his track pants while he grabbed the first aid kit. Before leaving, Alec grabbed the afghan of the back of the couch and draped it over Magnus’ shoulders. Suddenly, he felt a lot less exposed. Stepping out of the stained pants, he sat on the sofa, clutching the blanket and waited.

Alec returned with the kit and knelt in front of Magnus, “Iz is on her way, she was going to come out to see me anyway apparently. So she is damn lucky we weren’t somewhere off in the back paddocks shooting at haystacks…”

Alec continued a steady stream of one sided conversation as he examined the cuts. One or two had started to bleed sluggishly once the fabric of the pants had been removed.

Pausing in his monolog, Alec bit his lip, “Mags, two of these won’t close up with just butterfly strips. They need stitches.”

Magnus nodded mutely. Wouldn’t be the first time he’d needed them.

“I can do them myself if you can give me some suture… I don’t want to make you drive out to a doctor for me.”

Alec sighed, “I’m not making you do this yourself. But there are no doctors open within a few hours’ drive. It’s highly illegal, but I have some local and 4-0 suture. If you are happy for me to, I can do it.”

Magnus nodded, “Yeah, yeah ok. Let’s do it…”

Fifteen minutes later, the leg was clean, the cuts closed and a good six inch portion of Magnus’ thigh was numb. Alec was smoothing a dressing over the wounds and helping Magnus stand when the slamming of a door and the click of heels on hardwood announced the entry of Isabelle Lightwood.

Magnus quickly slipped into the clean pyjama pants and tank top as Iz rounded the corner and entered the living room. She took one look at Magnus, huddled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and dropped down next to him without hesitation.

“So. I feel like today needs some Disney. How do we all feel about Disney?”

Isabelle slipped an arm around Magnus’ shoulders and pulled him into her side as Alec settled on his left-hand side, thighs pressed together.

A movie and a half later, Magnus was stretched across the couch, head in Isabelle’s lap, feet in Alec’s.

They weren’t Cat and Raph, but right now they were damn close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-writing, re-writing, re-writing
> 
> I promise an update is on its way, I just need to get my head back in the game first!


	5. The Cavalry

Isabelle Lightwood was standing in the kitchen making quiet conversation with her brother. She had one eye on the sleeping man on the couch, but the rest of her attention was on Alec.

“Alec, what the hell is going on?” Izzy had no issue with swooping in and being an emotional support without all the facts, people would usually share when they wanted to, but this was something different.

“I don’t know Iz… He seemed fine for the first few weeks. Then Maryse starts calling me to tell me that I am doing a shit job with the new intern and his work is slipping.”

Izzy shot her brother a worried look, “Don’t worry. As usual, it is clearly  _my_  fault because I’m not training him properly or some shit.”

Isabelle ran a hand through her hair, “Alec, you know that it’s bullshit yeah? You’re doing a great job.”

Isabelle had a hand on her brothers arm, and eyes full of concern. Alec appreciated the gesture, but for once, the concern was unnecessary, “Thanks Izzy, but I know it’s just mum being mum. Honestly I’m glad Maryse is dumping it on me instead of Mags, I don’t know if he could handle it right now.”

Isabelle made a face, “I never thought I’d be glad for the way mum lays everything on you, but it looks like the full disapproving force of Maryse and Robert Lightwood is the last thing Magnus needs right now.”

“Tell me about it,” Alec murmured in agreement, “He just started to… I don’t know… Fade? I guess? Over the last few weeks. Something was not quite right at work. The man is crazy smart, but he couldn’t hold focus. And then he started to get really withdrawn. One of his friends called from freaking  _New York_  last weekend because she thought something was off.”

Isabelle sighed, “Ok… We need a game plan. For once mum being a gigantic pain in your arse might work in our favour,” Isabelle trailed off, mouth twisted and brow furrowed.

“Iz what are you thinking…?”

“If mum thinks you aren’t doing a good enough job”, she grimaced at Alec in sympathy, “maybe it would be easy to convince her that you could use an extra hand up here for a while. When he was at the Melbourne branch, Magnus thrived on social contact. He was always inviting us out for dinner or to do things. Maybe the small town life has him feeling isolated? What do you think about Jace and I dragging our butts up here and we finally make some use of this ridiculously large house?”

Alec rolled his eyes, “Stop making fun of my house. We grew up here, and I love it ok?”

Isabelle smirked as Alec continued, “Though it’s not a bad idea. It has been insanely long since we have all been up here together… And Magnus has met you all, so it’s not like I’m dumping a whole lot of unfamiliar people on him, and it will get mum off my back.” There really were a lot of upsides here, Alec paused, “If it doesn’t go well, though, are you guys able to clear off quickly?”

“Pft as if Jace would complain about being forced to spend a few nights with Clary.”

Alec smirked, “Yeah, but what about you? Can’t see you wanting to spend time around those two.”

Isabelle flipped her hair over her shoulder dismissively, “I might have one or two places in mind.”

“Oh little  _sister…_  You have boys stashed all over the place don’t you?”

It was Isabelle’s turn to smirk, “Not just boys big brother,” with that, she returned to the living room, leaving Alec standing in the doorway, mouth agape.

Shaking himself slightly, Alec followed her. Well, that would show him for thinking he had the corner on the queer child market…

Just as Isabelle’s butt touched the seat, her phone rang. The shrill sound jolting Magnus awake. As she picked up the call, Isabelle smoothed a hand down Magnus’ shoulder, quickly calming him. She swept from the room, but not before both Magnus and Alec heard her greet her mother.

Magnus was pushing himself upright, blinking and rubbing his eyes. “I am so sorry… I must have fallen asleep… What time is it…?”

Alec smiled at the sight of the sleepy man and took a seat on the arm of the sofa, “It’s about 3:30 pm, you slept through two straight to DVD sequels and lunch. Are you hungry?”

Magnus paused. He honestly was not sure.

Noting the silence, Alec stood, “Actually, I don’t care either way. I’m making you something regardless.”

Alec stood and placed his hand on Magnus’ shoulder as he walked past. As groggy as he was, it was an honest to god effort to stop himself from leaning into the touch.

Magnus took the moment of solitude to take stock of the day’s events. So far, his big crazy secret had been discovered, Alec touched him with tenderness and kindness and without a shred of pity. The man had also referred to him as a friend and gone to fairly decent lengths to make sure Magnus was ok. Aside from everything else, it was impossible to refute the fact that Magnus was very much falling for Alexander Lightwood.

Which complicated matters.

Because now Alec knew his secret and would want to  _do_  something about it. A fresh wave of shame flooded through Magnus, and he resisted the urge to get up and find the scalpel he had stashed hastily early that morning.

He clenched his fists and forced himself to focus on his breathing. It didn’t seem to really help, but it did at least stall him for long enough to come up with a better plan.

Alec returning to the room with a bowl of beef stew was a more than welcome distraction. Magnus saw Alec take in his posture and forced himself to unclench his fists and relax his shoulders. Placing the bowl on the coffee table, Alec opens his mouth to speak, but Isabelle chooses this moment to storm into the living room

“‘I cannot  _believe_  her!!”

Both Magnus and Alec snap around to stare at the younger woman

“Care to share little sis? What’s mum gone and done now?”

“Ok, so I want to preface this by saying that I love you and I think this is totally unnecessary, ok?”

Alec raised an eyebrow, “Oookaayy..? That never bodes well,” he replied slowly.

Isabelle ran a hand through her hair and walked around the couch to stand in front of Magnus and Alec, “So the She-Devil has decided that apparently, you are not running the clinic as well as you should and that you need supervision.” She winced as she finished and looked at her brother apologetically.

Alec sighed and sat down next to Magnus and hung his head, “Yeah, that sounds like her. Please tell me she is not coming up here to inspect me.”

Isabelle smiled, “There is actually  _one_  upside to this. Mum wants Jace and I up here for a few weeks. We’re going to run some surgery days, and I get the fun job of reporting back to her about your management style.”

Alec took a moment to really appreciate how well Isabelle had orchestrated the whole scenario. Magnus got to be social, the rural clients could have Izzy and Jace do their complicated surgeries without travelling into the city, Maryse is off Alec’s back, Jace gets to see his lover girl and Isabelle gets a break from living with their parents. There really wasn’t a downside, unless you count the bruising of Alec’s pride. He ran the clinic perfectly thank you very much.

“So does this mean I need to clean my shit out of your old rooms?”

Isabelle smiled, “Well it’s either that or I sleep outside. And I don’t know if you noticed, but the weather has been a little wet lately.”

Magnus was silent throughout the whole discussion. He didn’t have any proof, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was somehow his fault. Magnus knew he was behind on finishing up his reports and his clinical skills are clearly lacking. Is that why Alec is being inspected? Is Magnus making life difficult for the others at the clinic? Did someone complain…?

“It’s because of me right?” His breath was coming in shorter, shallower gasps.

Magnus’ wrist itched.

He could never cut there. It would be almost impossible to hide at the clinic, but god did he want to. Closing his eyes, he let the urge wash over him.

Magnus didn’t even realise he was digging his nail into the crease of his wrist until a warm hand covered his own.

Magnus looked up and met Alec’s eyes. The hand slipped down and intertwined with his fingers, thumb rubbing gentle, soothing circles over the back of his hand. Isabelle crouched down in front of Magnus, placing one hand on his thigh, “Magnus, Maryse kicking up a stink is not a reflection on you at all. She’s petty and always looking for a reason to check up on Alec.” Her voice was soft and careful, she spoke as if she was trying to calm a frightened animal.

Alec’s thumb continued its gentle massage as he nodded in agreement with his sister, “Maryse gets on my back all the time, trust me.”

“Ok. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m like this right now.”

Alec smiled sadly, “It happens to all of us. It’s ok. Take a moment to breathe. Iz and I aren’t going anywhere, are we Iz?”

“Nope,” Isabelle answered, popping on the ‘p’, “You are stuck with us.”

Magnus huffed out a laugh, and suddenly there was a bowl of soup in his lap.

“It should be cool enough,” Alec said as he pushed a spoon into Magnus’ hand, “Eat up. I promise Izzy didn’t help make it at all so it should be quite good.”

Magnus smiled and took a spoonful of soup, as Isabelle let out an indignant huff, “I CAN cook thank you very much!”

“Yeah, tell that to the people who you nearly killed at the last clinic Christmas party,” Alec said as he got up to change the DVD.

Isabelle frowned, “You don’t know my cooking was the reason three nurses wound up in hospital with food poisoning! It could have been anyone’s dish.”

Alec chuckled, “Iz, we had to have everything submitted for testing, your dish was the only one that came back positive for salmonella,” he replied, loading the first Pitch Perfect movie into the player.

Isabelle looked crestfallen, “Why didn’t anyone tell me…?”

Alec turned around, looking uncomfortable, “We didn’t want you to feel bad… The nurses don’t blame you, but they would prefer if you contribute is non-perishable and pre-packaged and with a clearly visible expiry date.”

Magnus hooked an arm around Isabelle’s shoulders when she sat down next to him on the couch. Even through the fog of his Shit Day, Magnus couldn’t help but be won over by the kicked puppy look on Isabelle’s face.

“Aw honey, it happens to the best of us… Maybe you should just accept that cooking isn’t one of your many, many skills?”

Isabelle pouted and snuggled into Magnus’s side, “But I try  _so_  hard…”

Alec settled down next to his sister, “We know sis, everyone knows. It’s just one of those things.”

Isabelle sniffed and pouted, but Alec could see through it. Sure, she was a terrible cook, and it did bug her, but Iz was laying this on a little thick. It was for Magnus’s benefit, he was sure of it. Smiling, Alec picked up the discarded bowl of stew and pushed it back into Magnus’s free hand. “Eat, watch the movie, then you get to help me get the spare rooms for our ungrateful interlopers.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes but motioned for Magnus to finish his soup, sitting up, so the man had both his arms. She shifted so her head was rested on her brother’s shoulder and her toes tucked to the side, against Magnus’s legs. Once she was comfortable, and Magnus was eating, she allowed herself a smile. Things were a little fucked, but her plan was in place, and everything would be ok.

They had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flying through the editing now!


	6. Matchmaker, Matchmaker

 “I don’t know what you are talking about Isabelle.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes, “Yeah, sure you don’t,” she muttered under her breath as she grabbed another instrument from the surgical table. “You _absolutely_ know what I am talking about.”

Magnus grabbed a swab and gently dabbed the surgical site, “Is now really the time to discuss this?”

Isabelle smiled, “Absolutely. You wouldn’t leave me in the middle of a procedure would you?”

And as much as he hated to admit it, Magnus knew she was right. He actually _was_ trapped right now. “You know, the puppy dog eyes effect is kinda diminished by the mask and gown,” he said in lieu of a reply.

“It’s not, and you know it. So, why have you been avoiding my brother?”

Magnus grimaced behind his mask, “I haven’t been avoiding him…”

“Oh noo, you’ve just made sure that you are needed somewhere else every time a call comes in.”

Looking up from the patient, Magnus bit his lip, “Is it that obvious?”

“Yeah, it kinda is,” Isabelle sighed, “Wanna fill me in on the why?”

Chewing his lip, Magnus hesitated, “It’s complicated… I honestly didn’t mean to, but…”

“But he saw you in a shitty place, and now everything feels awkward?” Isabelle looked Magnus in the eye with a sympathetic look. “He doesn’t think any less of you y’know.”

Magnus grabbed a syringe from the tray and flushed around where Isabelle was working, “I know that…”

“So why aren’t you avoiding me? I was there too,” Izzy studied what little she could see of Magnus’s face as she waited for a reply. Slowly, a blush crept up her assistant’s tawny cheeks. “Wait. Are you not avoiding me because you don't want Alec specifically to see your shitty bits? You have  _feelings_  for my brother!?”

Magnus ducked his head and focussed intently on suctioning the blood from Isabelle’s instruments.

“You DO don't you?! You like Alec, and he saw you all sad and vulnerable, and now you are scared to be stuck in the car with him!” Isabelle was staring at Magnus with a mix of shock and excitement, it was about time her brother got some love!

Magnus whipped his head up, “Shut up!” He threw a look out the surgery door, “How do you know he’s not listening?!”

“Because he and Lydia are out preg testing all morning. Just you, me and Clary. Who will be back to check on the anaesthetic any second so hurry up and spill.”

“Yes ok?” he hissed, “Yes, I like him. I like him, and he saw me all pathetic and whatever, and now he is either going to want nothing to do with me, or he is going to be 12 tonnes of pity.”

It was bad enough that someone had seen him like that, but for it to be the man he was developing  _feelings_  for… Yeah, at the time it had been lovely, who doesn’t want to be taken care of from time to time? But as they had cleaned, Magnus began to appreciate the full impact of that day. Alec knew how weak he was. Alec knew that he dealt with his problems like a 14-year-old girl whose parents just don’t  _get_ her. Alec was kind and gentle, and that is totally going to lead to pity. And the last thing Magnus wanted was pity, especially not from someone he would very much like to flirt the pants off of. So clearly, avoiding the man in question for the next 2 months was the way to go.

“Yeah, that’s not how Alec works Mags.”

Magnus rolled his eyes, “What do you mean “That’s not how he works?””

“I mean, Alec is a good man. He knows that no one is defined by one thing and especially not by their mental illness. We are a family of vets, several of us are queer vets, we know people are more than their issues.”

Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “It’s just so hard being here… I’m not used to not knowing all the answers, and I don't do so well with feeling so... Overwhelmed…”

Isabelle smiled gently, “I know, he knows. We don’t think any less of you right now. We’ve all been there hun, seriously,” She grabbed Magnus’s gloved hand in her own, “We are here for you, but that means not avoiding us. ANY of us. And especially not the ones of us you want to date the pants off.”

Magnus huffed out a laugh, “Yeah ok. I’ll try.”

Isabelle let go of Magnus’s hand and picked up her tools, “Good. Now let’s put some screws in this leg.”

°ºOº°

Alec stretched and sighed in satisfaction as his spine popped and cracked. It had been a long morning, and there was nothing in the world that was going to get between him and at the shower at the back of the clinic.

Nothing except, of course, his little sister.

Isabelle slipped into step behind Alec as he trudged through the office, “So, Alec.”

“Yes, annoying one?”

“Harsh, big brother. Harsh.”

Alec opened the door to the bathroom and stepped inside, to his frustration, but not surprise, Isabelle, followed him. She closed the door and locked it.

“Are you really going to watch me shower?”

Isabelle scoffed, “God no… I’m going to close my eyes.”

Alec sighed and resigned himself to Izzy’s total lack of personal bubble. God save him from nosy siblings. Alec stepped into the shower stall fully clothed and closed the curtain. “What is so important that you need to risk seeing me naked to discuss it?”

Alec stripped off his filthy overalls and threw them over the stall wall, silently hoping they would hit his pristine surgeon sister in the head.

“Alec, don’t be rude. This is important,” Isabelle caught the overalls and threw them in the direction of the washing basket. “I need to know your thoughts on Magnus.”

Alec shimmied out of his [Bond’s singlet](http://d2mm9bl124meti.cloudfront.net/products/25094-63240-400-bonds-mens-mens-athletic-navy-singlet.jpg), “He’s smart. Not a large animal vet at heart, but he’d get by if he had to. Good with clients too.”

“Yeah, we get it,” Isabelle’s irritation was evident in her voice, “he’s a decent vet, everyone knows that. I mean, what do you think of  _him_.”

Alec froze, and then coughed, “I.. Uh… What do you mean, “What do I think of him?””

“I mean, what are your feelings on Magnus, as an eligible same-sex attracted man? And don’t tell me you don’t have an opinion because I know you do.”

“Iz, I’m not really allowed to have an opinion… I’m his supervisor, it’s not like I can make a move or anything.”

Isabelle smiled, “So you admit you want to make a move?”

Alec banged his head against the wall, “I’m not blind Isabelle…” Even over the spray of the shower, he could hear his sister doing a victory dance.

“Ha! Knew it! You want to daaate him!” She crowed in a sing-song voice.

“Iz calm down. Like I said, it wouldn’t be appropriate…”

“Ugh, fuck appropriate. Honestly. You aren’t the only one who is grading him. Magnus’s work is marked by some random in Melbourne, and everyone at the clinic submits an evaluation form. Seriously, date the guy,” Isabelle settled herself on the edge of the bathroom sink, “He’s funny, kind, drop dead fucking gorgeous… And using my secret spidey senses – I can tell you he is definitely into you.”

Alec shut off the water and snagged the towel Izzy threw into the cubicle. He wrapped it around his waist and pulled the shower curtain open, “Izzy… Magnus is not going to want to date me. Aside from, basically, y’know, bloody everything, he’s American. He will go home at the end of the year.”

Isabelle paused, “Yeah… That is a spanner in the happily ever after, but that doesn’t mean you can’t just enjoy a nice dinner.”

“Look, ok fine. If, and I do mean  _if_ , he makes a move, I won’t pretend I didn’t notice ok?”

Isabelle chuckled, “Yeah that’s the best I’m gonna get isn’t it?”

“Yep. Look, I’m running out of time, I’ve got to get changed and head out to this horse call. As fun as this has been…”

Isabelle sighed, “Yeah, yeah I know,” she walked up to her brother and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Look, I just want you to allow yourself to be happy. Ok?”

Alec smiled, “I’ll try. I promise I won’t actively sabotage myself this time.”

Isabelle pulled Alec in for a hug, “That is a huge improvement on every other time.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of his sister’s head, “You are the worst. I don’t know why I still love you.”

Isabelle let Alec go after a final squeeze and left him to get dressed. Magnus was in, Alec was in, now she just had to get the two of them in the same place at the same time. Lucky they work and live together.

°ºOº°

Jace ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “Alec! Alec where did you get to?!”

The Lightwood in question stuck his head around the door frame, “WHAT!?”

“Alec, I can’t come out to the horse call. You’re gonna need to find yourself another set of hands.”

Alec stood up and walked over to his brother, perching on the corner of his desk, “How come? Did you misread the schedule again?”

“No!” Jace paused, “At least I don’t think so. I swear I had the next 2 hours free when I looked this morning, but now apparently I have three surgical consults. Sorry mate, I swear it was.”

Alec sighed, “It’s fine. Maybe Lyds is free…”

It was then that Isabelle decided to enter the conversation, “Actually, no. She’s out all day on a dairy consultancy visit. And before you ask, I am not free either.” Isabelle crossed her arms and cocked a hip, “I think the only person free this afternoon is… Magnus!” She finished with a smile.

Alec rolled his eyes, “You are the worst.”

“To quote several men, I have spoken to today, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”” She smiled sweetly, turned on her heel and left the office.

Alec sighed again and went to find their intern.

Isabelle was right, sadly, she often was. Alec liked Magnus. He wanted to take Magnus out. He wanted to protect him and curl around him at night. It wasn’t even about sex, there was just something about the intern that made Alec melt into a pile of goo. The man was flirty and just the right level of pushy. So what if he wasn’t staying in Australia. No reason Alec can’t have some fun! He never got to have fun, he was always stuck at the clinic, in this small fucking town with no one to date, no one to share his life with…

Magnus had slotted so easily into his life, into his home, maybe it would be a good thing. Maybe it would be worth it…

Well, there’s only one way to find out…

°ºOº°

Magnus was following Izzy’s advice. He was not avoiding anyone, and he was giving Alec the benefit of the doubt and trusting him to treat him normally. He was also trying very hard to ignore the way the other man was jiggling nervously in the driver’s seat.

“So uh.. What’s the deal with the horse?” Any conversation would be better than this tense silence.

“It’s an Arabian filly that ran through a fence. She’s uhh, got a few lacerations over the hocks that need to be stitched up.”

Magnus nodded, “Right… Should be fairly straight forward.”

“Mmm, yeah… The owner’s kinda notorious for his shitty set up and bad handling skills. Nice guy, and super happy to pay for us to bring two vets though.”

Magnus nodded, but remained silent.

The silence was awkward, not even the radio was on, and it was wearing Magnus down. God, this is why he had been avoiding Alec. How could you go back to the good-natured ribbing when you were waiting for your intern to burst into tears and have some emotional breakdown the minute things went wrong?

Alec coughed, and Magnus looked at him, wait, was he blushing?

“Magnus. I uhh… Wanted to ask you something.”

Magnus let out a groan of frustration and scrubbed a hand through his hair, “Do we have to do this now? I get it ok? You don’t know how to behave around me now that you know my big secret. I’m still the same person ok? God, this is why I don’t like to ask for help. Everything just gets awkward. You know what, no. I don’t want to hear it. Let’s just pretend that none of this ever happened and all move on ok? I’ll keep my shit under wraps, and you don’t have to worry about it. I don’t need you to watch out for me, I am not your responsibility.”

He let out the rest of his breath in an angry huff.

Alec was silent and still, and Magnus threw him an irritated glance before mentally shaking himself and slipping on his ‘client smile’ (just the right mix of friendly, professional and compassion) and subtly checked it in the mirror. Yup, looked real.

He turned back to Alec who was still stunned into silence, “Do you have anything to say?”

Alec stuttered slightly, “I… I uh was actually going to ask you out to dinner…”

Magnus froze, “Oh.” He blinked, “That is  _not_  where I saw that going.”

Alec laughed, “Yeah, I figured…”

“I, uhm.. Didn’t think you would be interested. After… The weekend…”

Alec blinked, “Why wouldn’t I be? It doesn’t change who you are.”

Magnus smiled, “No, no it doesn’t… So, my dear Alexander, you want to take me out on a date.”

The man changed direction so fast Alec swore he had whiplash, something about the way Magnus said, no purrrrred his name left him light-headed and confused. “Y-yes… I like you, and someone talked me into actually going after things that I want for a change.”

“I need to find out who this person is and send them a fruit basket,” Magnus turned in his seat and ran his eyes over the other vet’s frame with appreciation, “Because they have clearly done me a great favour… Well Dr Lightwood, I look forward to it.”

Alec really did not want to think about how much effort it took to push all the emotional crap down and instantly turn on the charm. That was a superhuman skill and spoke to a lifetime of repressing your shit. Filing that realisation away in the back of his mind, Alec glanced at the intern. Magnus was turned in his seat, body facing Alec, elbow resting on the back of the seat and his cheek propped up on his fist. He had one sly eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face. Everything about it made Alec want to pull the car over and grab Magnus by the collar and kiss the daylights out of him.

And wasn’t that a new feeling?

Alec had never met someone he had such a… visceral reaction to before. Izzy was right, this was something worth chasing.

Alec grinned as the realisation that he was going on a date with the hot intern washed over him. He was still smiling like an idiot as he parked the ute out the front of the stables. He hopped out of the car and grasped the hand of the stable manager who was waiting for them.

“John! How’re ya doing mate? This is Magnus, he’s the intern of the month”, Alec gestured to Magnus as John stepped over and shook hands with him.

“I’m John, nice to meet you. They treating you right over at the clinic?”

Magnus smiled, “I can’t complain, they take care of me well.”

“Good good,” John clapped his hands, “So! Shall I show you where this stupid filly is?”

The filly was young and flighty, even with sedation on board, it was a touchy procedure, but Alec managed to clean up the wounds, and the three men stood back and had a look at them.

Alec rubbed a hand over his 5 o’clock shadow, “You know John, I reckon these will heal up ok with just bandaging. That flap isn’t going to take if I sew it back on, you aren’t planning on selling her anytime soon?”

John shook his head, “Nah, she’s going to be a broodmare. She’ll be on the property for a few good years yet. You reckon just trim it all back and keep it wrapped up and clean?”

Alec nodded, “Yeah, we’ll bandage it up today and then change it every 3-5 days. We can do it if we are out this way, but I think you can probably do your own bandage changes.”

John laughed, “Yeah, think I have done one or two in my life.”

“Might leave you with some penicillin and bute though. She’s gonna be sore after I trim this all up. You right to give pen IM?”

“Yeah, no worries. Just into the muscle right?”

Alec nodded, “Yep, just gotta make sure you pull back, make sure you don’t get any blood. If you do, redirect the needle and try again. If you get it into the blood stream, you are going to get a bad reaction. She’d get agitated and then probably have a seizure. It’s not pretty, so let’s just make sure we check for blood and avoid the whole thing ok?”

“Easy. You fellas right if I duck up the paddock and just quickly check a few things? I’ll be back before you finish up.”

Magnus smiled as Alec nodded, “Why do you think I brought a second set of hands. Give us halfa, and we’ll be out of your hair.”

John smiled and headed off on his quad bike, and Magnus turned to rummage through the box of bandaging materials and pulled out what they needed.

He and Alec worked seamlessly, with Magnus anticipating what the vet would need and Alec had it in hand before he could open his mouth to ask for it. In no time at all the filly had two bandaged back legs and the men had cleaned up their makeshift worksite.

And just in time too, the filly was definitely starting to wake up. Alec was drawing up drugs when he turned to Magnus and passed him the syringe full of milky white antibiotic.

“Do you want to give the drugs? We’ll walk her back into her box and then you can give the penicillin and the first bute dose?”

Magnus smiled, “Sounds good,” He walked the filly across the yard and into her box, swapping the lead rope out for the syringes.

Quickly Magnus slipped the syringe of bute paste in the side of the horse’s mouth and then handed it off for the syringe of penicillin. He grabbed a fold of skin and slipped the needle in behind his hand, drawing back and then pushing down the plunger.

Alec smiled, “Good job,” He turned to greet John and Magnus took hold of the horse.

He was trying to listen to the conversation, but the filly would just not stand still. She started to throw her head, and Magnus struggled to keep her under control.

Suddenly, she reared up and struck out with her from legs. Her right foot clipped the back of Alec’s head before toppling over backwards. The beast was on her side, head thrashing and legs paddling, but all Magnus saw was Alec.

He watched in slow motion as the hoof clipped Alec in the back of the head. The vet crashed to the ground, and Magnus was moving before he even registered that something was wrong. In a second he had Alec by the legs, dragging him away from the flailing horse.

John slammed the door of the box closed behind him and rolled Alec over.

His eyes were closed, and his face was deathly pale.

Magnus watched in frozen horror as blood began to pool around his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I'm sorry... But...
> 
> So procaine penicillin reactions are nothing to sneeze at. They are rare, but fuck are they scary. FYI, this situation is based on a shitty thing that happened to me. The horse reared, went down and paddled (what we call it when they are kinda laying on their side and moving their feet in a running motion) for about 2 minutes and then got to it's feet and, wobbled around the box and was fine half an hour later. But myself and another student were stuck in the box with the horse while it flipped out. Probably the most scared I have ever been of a horse.
> 
> Occasionally, a horse will have a really bad reaction for no real reason. You can do everything right and it just goes wrong. It's rare, most vets I know have seen less than half a dozen, but it does happen.
> 
> And don't worry, I have the next chapter planned out already and I'm on overnight at the clinic tomorrow night, so much writing will happen.


	7. Waking Up

When Alec opened his eyes the first thing he noticed was the throbbing ache coming form the back of his skull. That and he was not in his own bed. The bed was far smaller and harder than his own, and his upper body was propped up. He tried to move his head to look around at the room, but every movement shot a spike of pain through his head. Groaning, Alec lifted a hand to touch his head, only to find a rough bandage under his fingertips.

“Hey, hey... Lie still..” Warm hands took his fingers and guided them back to the bed. Alec looked at the fingers and followed them up the attached arm and to the person’s face. Warm brown eyes found his own.

Magnus smiled, “You with us this time?”

Alec took a moment to process this, his brain was not moving very quickly at the moment. What did he mean _this time?_

Blinking, Alec licked his lips, “I think so?” It came out stilted and hoarse. “What happened…?”

Magnus’ smile faded, “The horse had a procaine reaction and kicked you in the head. John dragged you out, and we loaded you into the car and brought you to the hospital.” He spoke slowly, giving Alec time to process the words.

“Is the horse ok?”

Magnus huffed out a laugh, “Of course, that is what you are worried about…” He sighed, “Yes, the horse is totally fine. She was up and standing long before we got to the hospital. I got a call from John to say she is back to normal, but he will call if anything goes wrong.”

Alec nodded, sending another shot of pain through his head, making him wince. Magnus squeezed his shoulder gently. Things were getting a little clearer now, his brain slowly starting to catch up to him. Magnus looked exhausted. His face was drawn, and he was still in his overalls, but they were sporting a fair bit more blood than they had at the start of the day. The other man had sat back in his chair, leaning forward, elbows on knees, head in hands. Magnus looked like he sorely needed a shower and a good nights’ sleep.

“Magnus, what time is it?”

Magnus looked up, “It’s about 8 pm. Why? What’s up?”

Alec paused, “How long was I unconscious…?”

The other vet pushed a hand through his unkempt hair, “You weren’t completely out for very long at all. Maybe a minute? Felt like ages, though…” Magnus rubbed his jaw absently, “but you haven’t been really coherent until about 40 minutes ago.”

That wasn’t so bad. The longer you spend unconscious, the more fucked you were. Between the stress, head trauma and pain killers it really was no wonder Alec was missing a few hours.

He looked at Magnus, “How are  _you_?”

Magnus looked at him, he looked confused, “I’m fine? You’re the one with the gash across the back of his head.”

Alec nodded, it still hurt. He really had to stop doing that, “Yeah, but this is all a lot to deal with. You look exhausted and you are still covered in what I am really hoping is not my blood.”

Magnus looked down at his overalls as if he was noticing the stains for the first time. “Oh, yeah. I think most of it is yours actually. Head wounds bleed so much.”

His brain might be full of fog and it might be hard to think, but Alec could just _tell_ something was wrong. “Have you been here the entire time?”

“It didn’t feel right to leave you alone,” Magnus had dropped his eyes and his voice was hesitant.

Alec smiled, “I really appreciate it, but you look like you are about to crash. Is someone at least coming to bring you some clean clothes?”

Magnus opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the gentle buzzing of a phone vibrating across a table. He picked it up and answered the call, “Hey Izzy. Yeah, yeah he’s awake. Nah, he’s actually with it this time. Yeah. He’s doing well.” Magnus smiled at Alec as a nurse came in to check his vitals. Magnus stepped out of the room to give her some room to work.

“Hey Alec, how’re you feeling?” Alec looked up at the speaker and smiled, it probably looked more than a little vacant. He knew her, her name was….. Fuck, no idea.

“Kinda shit, to be honest.”

Nurse-forgotten-name smiled, “Yeah, that’s what you get for playing with patients who outweigh you 8 to 1.” She was not wrong, maybe he should have gone into human medicine instead. At least then he wouldn’t be working for his mother and probably wouldn’t be in hospital with a workplace brain injury. Then there was the question of the pay gap…

Alec mentally shook himself, he was finding it hard to stay on track.

The nurse just smiled patiently, “So hun, can you tell me your full name?”

Well at least she was starting with an easy one, “Alexander Gideon Lightwood.”

“Excellent, and do you know where you are?”

“Dourin Hospital.”

“And can you tell me the date?”

Alec thought about it, “It’s April…?” He _knew_ the date. He had written it down a thousand times this morning.

The nurse let him flounder for a few moments before jumping in, “It’s the 21st love. Ok, so we don’t  _think_  you have any fractures or major issues, and your friend says you were out for around a minute, so we don’t have to ship you into the Base hospital for imaging unless we have concerns. Ideally, you’d get a CT and MRI, but as you know, we just don’t have that out here. The doctor is with someone else right now, but she’ll be sticking her head in soon enough to do a neuro assessment. We don’t have the space to keep you for observation, so please dear god tell me that you have someone at home to watch you?”

Alec smiled, “Yeah Izzy and Jace are in town.”

“No way! I haven’t seen Izzy in years… When is she getting her beautiful arse in here?”

“About now,” came from the doorway. Isabelle swanned into the room as only she could, “Jenny, how are you? It  _has_  been ages, hasn’t it? Are you free for a catch up sometime?”

To Alec’s surprise, the nurse ( _Jenny_ , he reminded himself) blushed, and her smile could only be described as coy, “I could make time for you Dr. Lightwood.”

Alec coughed, “Hey, hi? Remember me? Head wound, tragically injured in the line of duty?” He tried to sit up a little straighter in bed, but was met with an overwhelming wave of nausea.

Izzy laughed and walked over to him, placing a gentle kiss on her brother’s forehead as she helped him lie back down, “No one has forgotten you love. Untwist your panties.”

Jenny slipped out of the room quietly, still blushing at the wink Isabelle offered her as she left. “So, you weren’t lying about having more than boys stashed around the place?”

His sister sat on the edge of his bed, “No I was not. Why should you have all the same-sex fun?”

Alec smiled, “As long as you are happy sis.”

“Always,” she replied, still smiling, “So they tell me you might live?”

“The prognosis isn’t hopeless,” Alec replied sagely, “They are just deciding if they need to ship me off for imaging.”

“God, you need to get out of the country Alec. If you were in Melbourne, you’d be getting much better medical care.”

“It’s fine Iz. It’s not far if I get airlifted and besides we both know that mother stuck me out here for a reason,” He paused, “Speaking of mother, does she know?”

Isabelle bit her lip, “Yeah I called her after Magnus called me. She said, “Well he was obviously standing in the wrong place.” She and father are not going to come down.”

Alec sighed, “That’s not exactly surprising. But it’s also not necessary, I’m totally fine. Just need a few days of rest, and I’ll be good as new.”

The younger woman bit her lip, “You know it might be a little more involved than that. Healing and recovery from head injuries can be complicated and take longer than you expect…”

Waving his hand, Alec brushed off his sister’s concern, “Look, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He tried to push himself upright again, “Where did Magnus go?”

Isabelle smirked at the change in subject, “I sent him to get coffee and a change of clothes. The overalls were really quite disgusting.”

“Yeah, I’m surprised they let him in. Aren’t human hospitals meant to be all clean and sanitary and shit?”

Isabelle scoffed, “As if. Every flat surface here is covered in C. Diff. I don’t even want to be in here without a biohazard suit,” she paused, and her demeanour changed, “Promise you’ll go easy on him Alec, he’s really torn up about this.”

Alec just looked at his sister with wide-eyed confusion.

Isabelle tilted her head, “It’s because he gave the injection Alec. He thinks it is his fault the filly had a reaction.”

Oh.  _Fuck._

“I didn’t realise he had given it, I don’t really remember… Please tell me you told him it wasn’t his fault and sometimes things just go wrong?”

“Of _course_ I did, but someone spoke to him before I did.”

The bottom fell out of Alec’s stomach, and Isabelle pushed on, “Once I called mum, she called Magnus and asked who gave the injection. He told her it was him. I don’t know what she said but…”

“But she’s Maryse, and it is rarely complimentary…” Isabelle nodded as Alec continued, “Iz, you have to check on him. He doesn’t need this kind of guilt right now.”

“I know, I sent him to get coffee, and he’ll be back in a second. I just needed to speak to you first,” Isabelle squeezed her brother’s hand, “I worry about him too y’know.”

Alec smiled, “I know sis, I know.”

°ºOº°

Magnus stood at the doors of the regional hospital, coffee tray in hand and tried to breathe. He knew this was all his fault, it was obvious, and he didn’t need Maryse Lightwood to tell him that, but it was nice to be reminded every now and again what a fuck up he was. Her words buzzed around his head like a swarm of wasps, stinging him over and over again.

It was hard to think over the buzzing.

If he concentrated, Magnus could pick out individual words. Words like  _negligent_  and  _irresponsible_  and  _suspended._

Shaking his head, he walked through the automatic door towards the room where Alec was being held. Now was not the time to deal with this, it could fester quietly in the back of his mind while Magnus dealt with what was important. Right now, Alec and Isabelle needed him so he would be there.

Magnus could deal with his own shit later.

Smiling, the intern kicked open the door and entered the room, “Coffee! Soy cappuccino for the lovely Ms. Lightwood and a nice bottle of water for the concussed Mr. Lightwood. And because I care about both of you, I also bought muffins.”

Alec groaned at the thought of food,  _huh, nausea. Must be concussed._  While Isabelle clapped her hands, and descended on the paper bag holding the promised treated.

Magnus took a seat as a tired looking woman in blue scrubs stepped into the room, “Dr. Lightwood,” she said, staring at a clipboard.

Both Alec and Isabelle looked up, “Yes?” they said in unison. The siblings glanced at each other and laughed, Alec’s was a beat behind and a little flat, but it was there.

The doctor rolled her eyes and tried again, “Doctor  _Alexander_ Lightwood, how are you feeling?”

Alec smiled, “Pretty good all things considered. Head is aching, but it’s settled to a dull roar rather than stabbing pain, and I’ve got some nausea, but it is manageable.”

The human doctor nodded, “Sounds about right,” She turned to Isabelle and Magnus, “I need to do a neuro exam if you two wouldn’t mind giving us the room?”

Isabelle hopped up right away and grabbed Magnus’s hand, “Not at all, let us know if he’s dying?”

The doctor looked vaguely concerned by Isabelle’s comment but dutifully ignored it, stepping to the side so the two vets could leave the room.

Isabelle kept a hold of Magnus’s hand as she closed the door and dragged him down to the small waiting room. She shoved him into a chair and stood in front of him, hands on hips.

“So. Talk.”

Magnus blinked, “…What?”

“You look like crap, talk to me, or I’ll drag it out of you.” Isabelle looked like the unmovable object preparing to stop the unstoppable force.

“I’m just tired Iz, it has been a very long day.”

Isabelle could concede that point, but, “It has, but it wouldn’t have anything at all to do with a phone call from my esteemed mother?”

Magnus froze, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Isabelle threw her hands in the air and sat heavily in a chair opposite her friend, “ _Why_  do people keep saying that to me?” she asked to no one in particular. “Why do any of you think you look believable? Look, I know you are blaming yourself for what happened. I know my  _mother_  probably blamed you for what happened when she spoke to you. But you need to understand that sometimes shit just happens and there is very little we can do about it.”

Magnus shook her head before dropping it to his knees where he ran his hands through his hair. “Isabelle, with all due respect, I don’t see how this  _isn’t_  my fault. I gave the injection, I was holding the horse. And aside from what _I_ think, your mother has suspended my internship because of this. So pretty sure I get to look like shit. It has been a _shit_ day.” Before Isabelle could reply or even put a hand on her friend’s shoulder, he stood and stalked out of the waiting room.

°ºOº°

Later that evening, when Alec had been released, and everyone was back home, Magnus slipped out of the living room. Alec was napping on the and Isabelle was engrossed in a book, a timer next to her elbow to remind her to check Alec’s vitals. The doctor from the hospital said it was unnecessary, but there is no way to dissuade a household of doctors from going overboard when one of their own was down.

Magnus had stood quietly from where he was perched in an arm chair and locked himself away in his room. Isabelle might say that he could have done nothing to prevent this from happening, but Magnus knew differently. Maryse, clearly, knew differently.

Magnus knew what Alec would say if he asked, but the man had always been too kind to him. Though Magnus was more than aware that he did not deserve to be absolved of blame. Magnus had caused this, and he deserved the fallout. He deserved to be suspended, and he deserved to wallow in his own self-hatred.

A small and distant part of his mind realised that it was moments like this that Cat always said he should call her, but it was early in New York, and this wasn’t something worth waking her for. This was something he could deal with himself.

Hands shaking slightly, and breaths coming in shorter and shorter gasps, Magnus slid to the floor against his locked bedroom door and let the panic wash over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little later than intended, rotations, life and mental illness got in the way. I really didn't mean to leave you all hanging at the end of the last chapter for this long!


	8. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter carries some serious trigger warnings. This is the bottom of the pit guys, gotta get worse before it gets better.  
> There is nothing _graphic_ per se, but it does look at a lot of feelings that probably hit too close to home for some people and should, therefore, be view with caution. Things about being a fuck up and a worthless piece of shit basically. But no graphic descriptions of self harm because, I can't speak for others, but I only go looking for things like that when I actually want to trigger myself and I am not enabling that.
> 
> Also it fucks me up to write it, so... Deal.

Concussions  _sucked_.

This is what Alec learned from the whole procaine penicillin reaction experience.

He spent a total of 4 days unable to do anything but lie on the couch in the one position, every movement causing him pain and intense nausea. Alec couldn’t think of words, and his memory was shot. He’d ask Isabelle the same question five times in 20 minutes because he didn’t remember the answer he got last time and talking was hard because Alec couldn’t follow a conversation for more than about 30 seconds at a time.

What he did notice over that first week was that Magnus was around a lot, and he was far quieter than expected. At first, Alec had thought it was for his own benefit as every noise was like a hot spike driving through his head, but as the week wore on, Magnus just got quieter and quieter.

The man seemed to be folding into himself again, and Alec couldn’t do much other than watch. He tried to reach out to Magnus but it was hard when he couldn’t really stand and Magnus always just smiled, tucked him back up on the couch and left the room. In the following years, if anyone asked Alec what that week had felt like, all he could say was “Nauseous and frustrating and painful.” He could remember that he needed to talk to Magnus, to reassure him, but he couldn’t quite remember  _why_. And that was frustrating as hell.

On the morning of the fifth day, Alec was shocked to find himself waking up before noon and in substantially less pain than the day before. Nausea had been fading slowly, but the headache and light sensitivity had been a constant companion. To wake up without it being  _right there_ , well there were no words to describe it.

Slowly, and hesitantly, Alec pushed himself up off the couch in the living room that had been his bed for the last week. Standing up on his own felt amazing and can really only be appreciated by someone who has had trouble doing just that. Once standing had been achieved, Alec made a beeline for the bathroom. He felt disgusting and sorely needed a shower.

It was slow going, once upright, Alec discovered that he was dizzy as  _fuck_. He might be suffering from a minor traumatic brain injury, but Alec was going to make it to the bathroom under his own power even if he had to crawl. The man still had  _some_  pride after all.

Thankfully, the hallway walls made for excellent support.

It wasn’t until he was halfway down the hall that Alec realised what he had been staring at.

There was a giant window at the end of the hallway that looked out over the garden. From the hallway window, you could see over the horse paddocks and off towards the round yard. The garden should have been empty, maybe one of the chickens just pecking around the veggie patch, but instead, there was a man sitting with his back to the house. Alec could see his shoulders shaking and fingers scraping through hair.

 _Magnus_ , Alec’s brain sluggishly supplied for him. Magnus did not look ok. He, in fact, looked very  _not_  ok. Alec squinted and tried very hard to think. Magnus was not ok. He was not ok before, but now he looked more not ok. There was a piece of the puzzle Alec was missing, he was sure of it. Frowning, Alec patted down his pockets, looking for his phone. Iz always knew what to do, calling her was best idea. With irritation, Alec looked away from the window and saw his phone sitting next to the couch.

Huffing out a sigh, he turned around and made his way back to the couch as fast as he could.

°ºOº°

Magnus couldn’t do this anymore. He was certain of it.

No one could hold out forever, everyone had their limit. It just so happened that Magnus had reached his.

Being suspended had been bad enough, but having to sit around the house and  _watch_  the consequences of his actions play out in front of him was pure torture. He wondered if Maryse had set this up on purpose, to really drive home the gravity of his fuck up. Magnus would not put it past her. That woman was cold and calculating, she only told you what she wanted you to know and manipulated situations to play out exactly how she wanted them to. It was for this reason that Magnus  _knew_  it was his fault that Isabelle and Jace had been sent to the Doruin clinic and that it was  _his_ fault that Alec was up for review and it was his fault that Alec was currently laid up on the couch with practically no short-term memory.

Every time Magnus asked Alec a question and was greeted with a vacant, yet frustrated look, his heart cracked a little more and in those cracks shame and guilt grew.

Isabelle and Jace were working double time at the clinic to cover Alec and Magnus, and so they were barely home. The last few nights even Izzy had stayed with a friend in town, she said it was because it was a lot closer to the clinic, but Magnus knew it was because she couldn’t look at him anymore. She couldn’t sit around the house and watch Alec recover slowly, all the while knowing it was Magnus’s fault he was like this.

Magnus could barely stand it himself.

It didn’t take long for things to get bad again.

The itching below Magnus’s skin was nearly always present, it didn’t take much at all to give in to the urge. He was suspended, so there was nothing stopping him from indulging himself. No one would know, he could hide basically anything if he didn’t have to scrub in for surgery. So, for the first time in years, Magnus took the scalpel to his arms.

He was sitting outside in the garden. It was so beautiful out here, the view over the fields bathed in sunshine, it was an amusing juxtaposition to the way Magnus felt. Everything felt like it was his fault, Alec was hurt, his friends were working overtime to cover his mistakes, he left his oldest friends at home to struggle through without him.  He was a fuck up and selfish and a shit vet.

Large animal focused or not, you should probably be able to get through a week without sending a colleague to the hospital because you fucked up. Somethings should be fucking common sense.

Magnus ran a hand through his hair and dug his nails into his scalp.

If Alec knew he would be so fucking angry with him. It wasn’t enough of a reason to stop him, but it was enough to add to the guilt swirling around Magnus’s head. And it was enough to push him into moving outside. Alec was stuck on the couch, he needed help to even stand, and there was no way Alec could hear him sobbing in the back of the garden.

Magnus picked up one of the blades he had pocketed from the clinic when he went to pick up his laptop. Maryse had made it clear he was not welcome back, and so he took the opportunity to prepare himself while he could. Magnus rolled up his sleeves and wiped the alcohol swab down his forearm, he might be self-destructive, but some habits die hard. He took a deep breath and unwrapped the blade.

°ºOº°

Alec ended his call with Isabelle, she was on her way but was at least 20 minutes away. Alec wasn’t sure what Magnus was doing, but he had a horrible feeling in his gut that he wouldn’t like it. He grasped his phone tighter and slowly made his way to the front door. Alec couldn’t stand to just sit around and wait for Isabelle to arrive. He had to do  _something_ , even if he had to do it very slowly and possibly on all fours.

Alec grasped his phone tightly and made his way to the front door. He paused to catch his breath at the table at the front door. Making it outside quickly would have been a whole lot easier if the floor would just  _fucking stay STILL._  But Alec was a stubborn bastard, and he was not going to let a stupid concussion stop him from getting to the man he…. Was growing some feelings for. Alec would look after the stupid man until he was well enough to be romanced. And  _fuck_ , would Alec romance him. There would be flowers and candle light and the whole shebang. He may have shied away from making a move earlier, but there is no way he was going to hold back now. He was going to --

Alec shook his head –  _eye on the ball Alec._

Taking a deep breath, Alec pushed the front door open and slowly made his way down the stairs. He wasn’t far from the garden, but walking outside, with the bright sunlight and nothing to lean on, was slow going. And Alec was treated to Magnus’s harsh sobs as a soundtrack for his struggle.

He put one foot in front of the other and slowly made his way to the small bench where his friend had been sitting. Rounding the corner, Alec saw Magnus for the first time in almost half an hour. He was leaning forward, elbows leaning on his knees, hands drooping towards the ground.

Blood dripped from his fingertips.

Moving as fast as he could, Alec closed the final few meters as Magnus fell from the bench and onto his knees. Alec dropped heavily down beside him and pulled the older man into his lap. Magnus’s sobs were harsh and incoherent, and it was all Alec could to hold them both upright.

Isabelle found them a few minutes later. Magnus’s blood had stained Alec’s shirt and he fists were knotted in the fabric. Alec had one hand wrapped around Magnus’s back and the other knotted in his black hair, trying desperately to hold them both together.

Taking in the scene with a practical eye, Isabelle dropped a hand to her brother’s shoulder. She squeezed it gently and then knelt to try to peel Magnus from the ruined shirt. He was far beyond noticing what was happening, so caught up in his anguish that he didn’t even register the young woman who examined his arms with gentle efficiency.

Isabelle thanked her lucky stars that her veterinary degree allowed her to assess the wounds quickly. The cephalic vein ( _is that what the people doctors called it? Who cared, this shit was serious_ ) was still intact, though several smaller veins appeared to have suffered. She had no way to quickly determine nerve function right now, but that could wait. The part of her brain that developed during her 2-year stint in the veterinary emergency centre was coming in handy as she quickly tied a tourniquet fashioned out of some bandage that had magically appeared and a stick around Magnus’s upper arm and then quickly repeated the whole process on the right. As she did this, she looked up at her brother who was still cradling the injured man.

“Alec, listen to me, it is going to be ok,” Isabelle kept her voice calm and reassuring, even as she worked, “I’ve stopped the bleeding, and we’re going straight to the hospital. You need to stay here though.”

Alec’s eyes snapped down to meet her’s,”‘Iz I can’t leave him, I can’t. I need to stay with him and look after him.”

Isabelle gave him a sympathetic look, “I know you want to help, but you are still unwell, and I’ve only got 20 minutes before these tourniquets need to come off. I’m going to drive like a bat out of hell, and you won’t be able to stomach the ride.”

Panic began to rise in Alec’s chest, but a strong hand landed on his shoulder.

_Jace._

“Alec, I’ve got you, we’re going to stay here. Going to get you cleaned up first ok?”

Before Alec knew it, he was being lifted to his feet by his brother. Isabelle helped him to the bench while Jace quickly scooped Magnus up and carried him to the car.

“Jace is going to stay with you ok Alec. I’ll let you know the minute I have any news, but I need you here and safe ok? I can’t worry about both of you right now.”

Alec nodded mutely, the concussion plus the stress of the afternoon had shut him down. Alec knew something was wrong, but he hadn’t expected to walk out into the yard to find Magnus covered in blood. Even if he had, he still had no idea how to cope with it.

Before he knew it, Jace had swapped with Isabelle and Alec was watching her ute fly down the driveway, far, far faster than was considered safe.

Jace threaded his arm behind Alec’s back and pulled him to his feet again.

“Alright mate, step one? Shower. Step two is going to be a strong cuppa because people keep telling me that it is calming or some shit. I have no idea if it is true, but Clary said that it’s the right thing to do for someone in shock.”

“Not in shock,” Alec muttered, clawing his way back to coherency, “Shock is a physiological state characterised by inadequate tissue perfusion leading to cell compromise. Clinically, this often stems from hypovolemia or cardiac failure.”

Jace chuckled as they made their way back into the house, “Yeah alright mate. Not shock. But you have  _had_  a shock, and you are recovering from a concussion, and you look like total shit. Let’s clean you up and then argue about medical vs. pseudo-medical definitions later ok?”

Alec felt his eyes slip shut as they entered the house, “Accurate and correct word choice are important for clear and direct communication.” He was mumbling now and was only half aware of his brother pulling him into the bathroom. If Alec was more awake, less concussed and less stressed, he might find the idea of his adopted brother stripping him and showering awkward. But in his current state, he was only glad he wouldn’t have to wake up with the smell of Magnus’s blood still clinging to his skin.

°ºOº°

Isabelle flew to the hospital as only a person who was truly racing the clock could. She had called ahead so they would be prepared for them. Lydia had closed the clinic early, sighting a staff medical emergency and would be waiting for her at the hospital. Izzy had also asked Clary to head to the station and talk to her stepfather, Lucian, so that no one would stop her as she raced through town. There was no way an ambulance could have arrived at the property before the time on the tourniquets would be up, so Isabelle felt entirely justified in thoroughly breaking the speed limit.

Magnus was curled up on the back seat, he wasn’t sobbing anymore, but he was wrapped around himself tightly and shaking. It was enough of a sight that Isabelle set her jaw and hit the throttle.

When she finally slammed on the brakes in the loading bay of the hospital, Lydia was waiting for her. The two of them hefted Magnus out of the back seat and into the wheelchair Jenny had found and moved quickly through the emergency doors. One of the very few perks of regional hospitals was that there was no one in the waiting room, and Isabelle knew a lot of the staff, and everyone was on deck and waiting.

As they crashed through the doors Izzy turned to the doctor who approached her, she didn’t take any notice of his name, it didn’t matter. “I put the tourniquet on,” she looked at her phone and the stopwatch running there, “twenty-two minutes ago. I don’t know when the bleeding started, but he was on the ground when I found him. He’s been non-responsive since that time. Conscious, but not aware of what is going on. I think he’s had some sort of breakdown.”

The doctor nodded and gently ushered Isabelle and Lydia into the waiting room to fill in paperwork.

°ºOº°

Magnus’s first thought was, “ _fuck._ ”

Oddly enough, it was also his second through to eighth thoughts.

He wasn’t exactly sure what had happened, but he  _was_  pretty sure he was going to be in a lot of trouble.

Everything hurt and people kept asking him questions.

“ _Magnus, do you know where you are?”_

_“Can you tell me why you did it?”_

_“What were you aiming to achieve?”_

_“How long has this been a problem?”_

_“Do you know what the day is?”_

_“Is there anyone you would like us to call?”_

He could hear them, he could see them, but he just wasn’t sure how to answer. He wasn’t sure he  _could_  answer.

Magnus looked around, he wasn’t in a room, but rather in bed right in front of the nurse’s station. And there was a woman who he felt should be familiar, sitting and staring at him with an eagle eye. Once she caught his eye, she stood and stalked over to Magnus’s bed.

“You are awake.”

It wasn’t a question, but Magnus found himself nodding anyway.

“How do you feel?”

Magnus tried to speak but found he couldn’t find the words. He frowned.

The nurse cocked her head, “Are you having trouble speaking love?”

Magnus thought for a moment and nodded.

The nurse, smiled gently and sat in the chair next to the bed, “That’s ok hun, sometimes when I freak out a lot, I have trouble speaking too. It’s kinda like my brain has disconnected from my mouth. I can think, but I can’t make the words come out. Does that sound right?”

Magnus nodded again, that was exactly it. He could think the words, but making noise just seemed impossible.

“Alright then. Now we got that sorted, I think we can get some things done. How about I just ask yes/no questions for now?”

She was going to ask him more things. Magnus felt the panic start to rise again. It must have shown on his face because the nurse started to make soothing noises, “Hey, hey, it's alright. I just need some basic info so we can look after you ok? I promise it’s nothing too scary. And I’ll be right here the whole time.”

She had a hand on his shoulder, and her kind face turned towards him, Magnus tried to swallow the panic and offered a hesitant nod.

“Ok, first, I need to know, do you know where you are?”

Where was he? Nurse, plus uncomfortable bed equals hospital, he offered a small nod.

She smiled encouragingly, “Good, now, do you know how you got here?”

Magnus frowned and thought about it… But everything since waking up was a bit of a blur. He was in the garden, he made breakfast for Alec… He… The memory slipped away.

The nurse, Jenny her name tag informed him, squeezed his shoulder gently, “It’s ok not to remember. Your friends brought you in because they were worried about you. You hurt yourself quite badly. You were very distressed, so we have given you some things to help you calm down. It is going to make it a little hard to think for a bit though. It’s also going to make you a bit tired.”

Magnus nodded slowly. He looked down at his hands and noticed the bandages for the first time.  _What had he done?_

Jenny was rubbing his shoulder gently, “It’s alright. We’re going to help you,” She was smiling again.

“Now finally, some friends of yours are really dying to check on you. If you want, you can see them one at a time. But I understand if you would rather wait or rest. It is totally up to you.”

Magnus bit his lip and then nodded slowly.

Jenny smiled again and left for the waiting room.

Isabelle was the first in and she looked awful. Jenny held her hand as she guided her into the treatment room and kissed her on the cheek before leaving.

Izzy took the seat by the bed and gently wound her fingers through his.

“Hey Mags, how’re you feeling?” Isabelle’s voice was soft but strong.

He offered her a small smile and a shrug in return.

Gently, she climbed up and onto the bed next to her friend. She wrapped him in her arms and held him tightly.

“I am so sorry Mags, I should have seen how much you were hurting. I should have been there for you.”

“Not.. your fault…” His voice was quiet and croaky, but it was there. Isabelle just held him tighter.

“It’s not about fault Magnus, it is about what your friends should have seen, and what we should have done.” She took a deep breath, “We’re going to do better ok? You’re going probably going to be released in a few days and then we are going to get you back on your feet. You are going to get through this.”

Isabelle kept talking, and Magnus let her voice and her warmth lull him to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, so first up, some apologies and an explanation.  
> I had intended to get this chapter up a loong time ago, but shortly after posting chapter 7, and you are not going to believe this, I was injured by a horse and ended up with a concussion. I couldn't look at my computer screen for almost a week without wanting to puke.
> 
> And then my laptop died.
> 
> But I am back now and churning out angst! This chapter is literally rock bottom and it will be up from here!
> 
> thanks for sticking with me even though I am unreliable as fuck.


	9. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it's been awhile! I'm so sorry for that.  
> Since I last updated I finished my rotations and sat my final exams. Through all the stress, all of my plot bunnies fled and it took me 4 weeks to write a grand total of 500 words, but today I sat down and smashed out 3000 words in the last few hours.  
> So I'm uploading it almost right away because I've left you all hanging for so long.  
> Hope you like it!

 

It was four days before the hospital allowed Magnus to leave. Four days of constant supervision and shitty meals and that one fucking nurse who treated him like Magnus was a personal affront to her delicate sensibilities. He asked Jenny on day three what her problem was and she frowned and bit her lip, “Some…  _People…_  Feel that patients who come in for self-inflict injuries are less…” the doctor paused and considered her words, “are less deserving of our attention and care.”

Magnus glanced at his bandaged wrists, “So, I made my bed, and I should just lie in it…”

Jenny frowned, “Something like that. Personally, I find her attitude insulting and unprofessional. I’d  _almost_  understand if she acted that way towards idiot kids who broke an ankle jumping off a roof or a drunk driver who hit a tree, but her job is still to care.” She shook her head and sat down on the edge of the bed, “Love, you are just as, or even  _more_  deserving of compassion and understanding than our other patients. You are hurting badly, and all you did was try to make it hurt less.” She smiled and laid a hand on Magnus’s shoulder, “I mean, I wish you had chosen some  _other_ way to try to make it better, but I understand why you did what you did. I’ve been there, I know it seemed to make sense at the time.” Jenny stood and squeezed his shoulder again, “And that is also how I know you will get through this. It’s not going to be easy, but it is more than doable. And it looks like you have a good team behind you while you fight.”

As she finished speaking, Isabelle waltzed into the room carrying coffee and muffins. For the first time in what felt like forever, Magnus smiled and felt his stomach rumble. He made grabby hands for the coffee and sighed as long missed caffeine hit his tongue. Just a few short days ago, there didn’t seem to be any reason for living, but he must have forgotten about coffee.

During his stay at the hospital, so many people had asked him why.  _Why_  did he feel like his only option was to take a blade to his wrists? And honestly? Magnus found it hard to answer. The sense of crushing depression and hopelessness still hit him in waves, but there was no longer the same sense of urgency, there was no pressing need to  _escape_. Magnus had always known that the chance of him actually dying had been slim at best, but he had been fighting the itch under his skin for so long, and it only took one moment of weakness to really give in. In the brief flashes that he remembered of that day, Magnus just recalled the crushing hopelessness of his situation, the pressing need to do  _something_  and the shame and guilt of giving up.

Sure, the “something” Magnus had done had been kinda stupid, but it really had felt like the only good option.

He wasn’t even sure that he _had_ been trying to kill himself. And the fact that people kept referring the… _incident_ , as a suicide attempt weirdly added to the guilt surrounding the whole thing. Magnus almost felt as if he did not deserve the attention and care people were giving him. Hospitalisation was for people who needed it, not adults with _one_ moment of weakness. Magnus should have been strong enough to ignore the urges, should have been smart enough to think of another way to cope other than giving in.

Sitting in an uncomfortable hospital bed being supervised by people who are either irritatingly optimistic and supportive or insultingly disapproving had made it painfully clear that there  _were_  other options. Magnus still felt like total shit, and the itch hadn’t gone away (though you would think the itch of healing wounds would be enough to distract him) but the constant reassurance made it easier to question those invasive thoughts. Thoughts that told him he was not good enough, or that the world would be a better place without him.

Four days. Four long days and Magnus was finally being discharged. There were restrictions on his release. He couldn’t be home alone, someone had to join him for meals, someone from the hospital would be doing a home visit next week sometime, and Magnus couldn’t go back to work until a psychologist had signed off on it. Apparently, both the hospital and the clinic thought it was a bad idea to let the suicidal vet drive around unsupervised with a car full of potentially lethal drugs. Who would have thought it?

And on top of it all, the vet board wanted to review his licence to practice. Apparently, this latest _episode_ was enough to wonder if he was fit to be a vet.

The whole thing was humiliating.

Magnus sighed and hefted his bag over his shoulder. His arms ached, and the stitches pulled weirdly, but he did his best to ignore it as Izzy met him in the waiting room. They both nodded to the nurse’s station as they left and neither spoke a word until they were already on the road home.

Isabelle found the silence to be tense and awkward, and she was itching to break it, but couldn’t think of a good way to start. She was naturally social and usually gelled perfectly with Magnus, but today things just seemed off. She was acutely aware that she was driving Magnus back to her brother’s home. Alec had been itching to see Magnus, but there was no way he could have stomached the long and twisting drive to the hospital. People always forgot how much a severe head injury could knock you around. Everyone thought Alec would need a few days off work and then would be back up on his feet. They didn’t see the days of migraines and nausea, they didn’t watch Alec struggle for words that seemed to be out of his reach and help him navigate the house when every little bit of movement made his head split open.

But most of all, they didn’t see Alec struggle with the fact that he missed Magnus slow self-destruction until it was almost too late. Not being able to sit by the other man’s bedside was just the cherry on the shitty fucking top. Izzy had spent the last week flitting between the hospital, the clinic to check on the locums, and home to make sure Alec still had his head above water.

The awkward silence in the car lasted until Izzy pulled up at the front porch of Alec’s home. She turned to look at Magnus who was chewing his bottom lip absently. She placed a hand on his arm and Magnus jumped slightly. He turned towards his friend and his confused expression cleared to a vague smile. Izzy smiled back, “It’s going to be ok. You know that right?”

Magnus laughed gently, “Sure Iz. Everything is going to be peachy.”

°ºOº°

Alec was going out of his mind.

Sure, he and Magnus did not have any sort of official relationship, but even he had to admit that there had been something growing between them. And regardless of that, they had been housemates for months now, and short of any romantic involvement, they had become fast friends. Alec knew Magnus was struggling, but he had no idea that his friend had blamed himself for Alec’s injury. He didn't know that his own  _mother_  had blamed Magnus. Maryse had always made it her mission in life to fuck up the lives of people around her for shits and giggles, but this was an all-time low.

The only good things to come out of the last few days had been Alec’s newly rediscovered ability to stand up without puking and the word that Magnus would be home later today.

Alec spent the morning flitting between nervously pacing and shooting arrows into the hay target behind his house. The methodical and predictable pattern of  _knock, pull, hold, release_ followed but the dull  _thud_  was one of the only things that could reliably calm his mind. The other things that worked were all things that his siblings and several medical professionals had told him were all less than healthy. They were things that had landed him in the same place as Magnus only a few years ago. There was no way Alec was letting himself fall back into old habits, especially when he could see how it would look to the man he lov-  _liked._

If Alec did anything now, Magnus would blame himself ( _again_ ), and that’s how we ended up  _here_  in the first place. Magnus needed him to be strong, which means not indulging in unhealthy coping mechanisms. The burn in his arms from firing arrow after arrow would have to be enough. It  _would_  be enough.

Alec lost himself in the repetition, and he hit that space that he always aimed for. Suddenly, everything was quiet. His mind narrowed to the movement of the wind against his skin, the feel of the arrow between his fingers and the tension in his bow. He could hear his own heartbeat and the world seemed to slow. Exhaling, the archer released another arrow in the space between his heart beats and watched in satisfaction as it sunk deep into the target.

The pattern repeated until the sound of wheels on gravel broke through his focus.

_They were back._

Alec took a deep breath and turned towards the driveway. His sister’s black ute was parked in front of the door, and he could see Iz and Magnus sitting still. Izzy seemed to be saying something to Magnus, her hand on his arm. Squaring his shoulders, Alec walked forward until he was in Magnus’s line of sight.

°ºOº°

Magnus knew Izzy thought everything would be just fine, but this was the moment he had been dreading the most. Alec hadn’t been to visit once while Magnus had been in the hospital. He knew it was probably because of the head injury, but he just couldn’t shake the feeling that Alec still blamed him. It was the moment of truth. There was nowhere to go now where Magnus wouldn’t have to face Alec. The young vet set his jaw and lifted his head to stare out the windscreen.

And there he was.

Alec stood in the middle of the path and was staring straight at Magnus. His face was flushed, and his skin damp with sweat. He had a bow slung over one shoulder and a nervous half smile on his face. Magnus met his stunning green eyes and was lost. Alec started to walk towards him, and Magnus’s brain had literally stopped. The other man opened the car door, and Magnus sat dumbstruck.

He had been so sure that Alec would want nothing to do with him, that this response was totally unexpected.

Alec looked up at Magnus, and his expression shifted towards bemused. Izzy had said that some of the medications Magnus was on at the moment might make him a little slow, but it kinda looked like the man had totally frozen. Like a computer being asked to do too many things at once. Alec placed a hand on Magnus’s leg, and it was like a spell was broken. He looked down at Alec, and his vision seemed to clear slightly. With a slight shake of his head, Magnus broke the silence, “Hey…”

Alec smiled, “Hey yourself. Do you want to sit in the car all day or do you want to come inside?”

Magnus paused before answering, “Yeah, we should go inside.”

Alec leaned over to undo the seat belt and then helped Magnus out of the ute. He nodded at his sister who grabbed Magnus’s bags as the two men made their way into the house.

Alec sat on the couch and pulled Magnus down beside him.

“So, welcome home.”

Magnus huffed a small laugh, “Yeah, thanks.”

Alec tilted his head and turned his body towards his friend, “Want to tell me why you look so confused?”

Magnus furrowed his brow, “I..uhh… I’m kinda confused as to why… well, why are you so…”

Alec smiled, “Normal? Nice?”

Magnus laughed gently, “Well yeah. I fucked you up big time, and then I fucked myself up big time, and I fucked the clinic up big time in the process.”

“For starters, you know what happened to me is totally not your fault right? I watched you give the injection, and you did nothing wrong. Took me a few days to actually remember the details, but sometimes shit just happens. Hell, if you weren’t there and I was there alone there is a chance things would have gone even worse.”

Magnus shook his head, “But Maryse said-“

Alec rolled his eyes, “Please ignore literally anything my mother said to you. That woman lives to cause trouble and meddle in shit. She saw me injured and her go to response was to blame someone else. You were an easy target.

“Now as for you “fucking yourself up”… You were hurting, you tried to make it stop. You chose a shitty way to go about it, but I honestly believe that you thought it was your only option. I know because, as Iz may have hinted, I have been there before. Izzy has been there before. We are high achieving perfectionists who place too much weight on responsibility and not enough in compassion for ourselves. It’s practically an occupational hazard.” Alec laughed gently to himself before continuing, “Honestly,  _we_  failed  _you._  We knew that this was going to be a lot for you to deal with when you were already struggling, but no one saw that you were in danger until it was almost too late.”

Magnus opened his mouth to complain, but Alec cut him off, “No, I’m serious. Even if you are going to say there is no way I was in a place to help, and you’d be right, there are other people who could have. It was my job to support you, and I failed in having a backup plan in case I was unable to do that job.”

Magnus was shocked into silence. Of all the things he had expected to hear from Alec, this hadn’t even occurred to him. He had been bracing for anger or disappointment, but he had allowed himself to hope for indifference. Compassion hasn’t even been considered. There was no way Magnus was allowed compassion, he didn’t  _deserve_  compassion.

Something cold and hard settled in his gut and Magnus found he could no longer meet Alec’s eyes. He was broken out of his spiral by the feel of rough fingers touching his chin and lifting his head.

Alec’s smile was a little sad, but understanding. He shifted his hand, so he cupped Magnus’s cheek. “Mags, I’m not just saying this, and I am going to do everything in my power to stop you from punishing yourself over what happened.’ He paused and took in Magnus’s expression, “You’re looking like you are shutting down, and I’m pretty sure I know what you are thinking so here’s what we are going to do. Let’s get you into the shower and wash off the hospital. Then we’ll redress your arms and get you into some nice comfy clothes. Then you and I are going to curl up in front of the TV and watch something mindless so you can sleep.”

Alec stood and offered a hand to Magnus who still seemed kinda absent and frozen, “Does that sound like a plan?”

Magnus blinked a few times and accepted the offered hand, “Yeah, that does sound doable.”

Magnus allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and winced slightly at the pull of the sutures. Alec walked him through the house and into Magnus’s own en-suite.

The next few moments pass in a blur as Alec helped him take off the dressings on his arms, strip off and get into the shower. Magnus closed his eyes and sighed as the hot water ran through his hair. Alec was on the other side of the frosted glass, and he could see his fuzzy outline through the shower door. Magnus had resigned himself to constant supervision, but he hadn’t expected to find Alec’s hazy outline to actually be comforting. It was, however, impossible to miss that his razor was gone from the shower, and a quick scout revealed that the scalpel Magnus had blue-tacked to the top of the shower door was also gone.

He shut off the water suddenly and ripped the towel down, wrapping around his hips. The anger had come on quickly and had taken hold. Magnus kicked open the shower door, startling Alec, who had been leaning against the sink.

“Want to tell me what’s wrong?” Alec had raised a brow, but his eyes were concerned.

“You went through my fucking room!” Magnus slammed the door shut and rattled the glass worryingly. “No one gave you the fucking right to go through my things!”

Alec sighed, “The fact that you already know that we went through your stuff is exactly why we needed to. I’m not stupid, I know how easy it would be for you to restock your  _collection_. But there is no way I could live with  _myself_  if I didn’t at least reduce the risk. If it makes you feel any better, imagine that I did this purely to help me sleep at night. I swear I was only looking for sharps, anything else I might have seen has been wiped from my memory.”

Magnus’s sudden rage was doused by the sudden realisation that Alec would have found the box under the bed. The one that held the toys Cat had laughed at him for packing.

Alec chuckled nervously as he watched the blush rise in Magnus’s cheeks, “ _Completely_  erased from my memory. I swear.”

Magnus mumbled an apology and pushed past Alec to find that his favourite loungewear had been lovingly laid out on the bed for him already. It was impossible to hold on to the anger in the face such freaking thoughtfulness. He dressed quickly and turned away from the bed to find Alexander leaning against the doorframe. Alec nodded his head towards the living room where Magnus could see a large mound of blankets piled on the couch and the opening sequence of Project Runway paused on the TV. He may not have known the man for long, but Alexander definitely knew how to do comfort.

Alec had already made himself at home on the couch, and it didn’t take long for Magnus to decide to join him.

Two episodes of Project Runway later Magnus had his head in Alec’s lap and was fast asleep. Alec sighed as he ran his fingers through the sleeping man’s hair. The mood swings were expected, but tiring. Alec paused the fashion show and switched over to the comedy section of Netflix, settling in to rewatch the first season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

The circumstances may suck, but Alec couldn’t exactly complain about his current set up. He fired a quick text to Izzy, who was hiding out in the spare room, that it was safe to come out. They had decided that they should keep the number of hovering people to a minimum while Magnus settled back in.

Isabelle placed a warm hand on her brother’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “How’d it all go?”

Alec shrugged as Izzy perched on the arm of the couch, “Not as bad as it could have. He was pretty pissed that we child proofed his room and thoroughly embarrassed that that meant going through his things…”

Izzy sighed, “Kinda expected though. I’m assuming by your current situation that you made up?”

Alec allowed himself a small smile, “Yeah, we did… Wish it hadn’t come about like this though.”

“That’s fair. It’s going to take time, but everything is going to work out. You know that right?”

“Yeah,” Alec sighed, “It has to.”

Isabelle smiled before starting slightly, “Oh! I forgot! I got a Facebook message today from a Catarina. Said she knows Magnus? Anyway, she’s in Melbourne and wants to visit.”

Alec turned to look at Iz, “God! Yes! She’s Mags’s flatmate from home. Tell her I’ll drive there and get her myself.” He looked at the man asleep in his lap, maybe this is  _exactly_  what they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH! Also you can find me on tumblr now. Now you have somewhere to reach me if you want to bug me about updates
> 
> Find me here!
> 
> https://catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com/


	10. The Cavalry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been ages since the last update, and for that, I am very sorry.  
> The first nine chapters have been re-read and re-edited and some small changes have been made.  
> Basically, I am challenging myself to finish my WIPs as a NaNoWriMo challenge. I may not be writing a whole new 50,000 word fic, but I plan to still write a total of 50,000 words!
> 
> Since I updated last, I have graduated, started work, had a small ED relapse, had a teeny breakdown, adopted a new dog and moved house. I'm knackered, but my mental health isn't TOTALLY in the toilet. It's kinda still in the bathroom, but not in the actual toilet, so woo! Go team!
> 
> Please also find me on tumblr, where you can mostly harass me about updating my WIPs, listen to me bitch about my job and ask me medical/animal questions for the sake of fictional accuracy.
> 
> catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com
> 
> So without further ado, here is the new chapter. Let the healing begin!

Cat’s other friends thought she was losing it. Insane at worst, but at best, highly co-dependent. It had been a week without hearing from Magnus. And Catarina was going out of her mind.

A whole week of total radio silence.

Ragnor thought her insane worry was due to the need to know everything that happened in her closest friend’s life, but Cat just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was _seriously_ wrong.

Magnus was known to miss a skype date here or there, but to go a whole week without posting _anything, anywhere_ online…that was, really not normal. The last thing she had heard from Mags was that the other vet was in the hospital. He had seemed off, and Catarina got the same feeling under her skin that she got when she just knew it was going to be a bad night in the ER.

But this was _Magnus_ they were talking about. Catarina shrugged off her doubts and let her friends assure her that everything must be okay. That if anything had gone wrong, then someone would have called and told her. She was his emergency contact, both medically and for his visa.

So for seven days, she waited.

She bit her tongue and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her gut, but after she attempted to call Alec’s home number and got no reply, Cat cracked. She booked a one-way ticket to Melbourne, grabbed the bare essentials and just _left._

She had the money, she had the leave, what was stopping her?

Absolutely nothing.

Forty-eight hours later Cat was disembarking into the relatively mild Melbournian winter.

It wasn’t her best thought out plan, but through the miracle of wifi in the business class cabin and the omnipresent cloud of contacts on Facebook, Cat had a ride waiting for her when she stepped off the plane.

Isabelle Lightwood was tall with olive skin and raven hair, and she looked frankly out of place in the hustle and bustle of the busy airport. Cat had exceptional observational and people reading skills; they had been honed over the years working as a nurse in the ER and then as a doctor after she finished her studies. And all her instincts said that Ms Lightwood was trying _very_ hard to come off as confident and unconcerned.

Something was extremely wrong.

The other woman seemed unaware of the way she moved her hands constantly, fidgeting with the glossy strands of her hair, readjusting the way her bag sat on her shoulder, shifting the weight on her feet. But she plastered an almost convincing smile on her face as Cat approached.

Izzy scanned the oncoming crowds for the woman she was meeting. Catarina Loss had reached out to her only a day before, asking for help. Apparently, she had a gut feeling she couldn’t shake that told her where the young doctor that she really needed to be by her best friend’s side. Iz hadn’t been able to bring herself to explain the situation to the stranger via text and the knowledge was burning a hole in her pocket.

Catarina was tall and statuesque with striking umber skin, and long dreadlocks pulled back into a ponytail. The ropes of hair were threaded through with strands of white and blue. Isabelle wouldn’t have been able to mistake her for anyone else; the look was not particularly common in this part of the world.

The two met with open arms and short, but sweet sentiments of warmth and greeting. Isabelle grabbed the American’s bags and headed towards the car.

The car ride was long, and it was quiet.

As the pair drove out of the city limits towards the Gippsland hills, Isabelle squared her shoulders and took a deep breath.

“So.. I guess you have some questions for me.”

Cat sighed and played the end of one of her dreadlocks, “That might be the understatement of the century.”

Isabelle glanced towards the woman in her passenger seat and cracked a small smile, “Yeah, you really aren’t wrong there.”

Cat turned in her seat so her back was pressed to the window, “I know you don’t know me, but I really don’t have time for a lot of bullshit, so if you could just tell me what’s going on…”

Sighing, Isabelle turned back to the road, “What was the last thing you heard from Mags?”

Catarina started slightly at the use of the familiar nickname, “He uhh, he said that the other vet, Alec had been in an accident. Magnus seemed… Not quite right.”

Isabelle laughed slightly, “that’s putting it mildly. Alec was injured after a horse had a medication reaction. Magnus blamed himself,” she bit her lip and paused, “my _mother_ blamed him as well. It wasn’t his fault in any way, shape or form and Alec is totally fine now. When you work with horses, accidents can happen, and those accidents can have big consequences.” Catarina nodded in understanding as Isabelle continued, “Alec was in the hospital for a few days with a really nice concussion and some short-term memory loss, but Maryse and Robert wanted someone as a scapegoat and Magnus was an easy target. He already blamed himself, Alec’s memory of it all was fuzzy at best, and no one else was there. They pushed to have Magnus suspended from his internship while they did an investigation.”

Isabelle pulled off the highway and on to a smaller side road that led up into the dark green hills, “I spoke to the clinic directors once I found out what had happened and had the decision reversed, but by then it was already too late. Magnus had been at home caring for Alec and apparently stewing in guilt and self-loathing. Alec didn’t notice anything was up at first because the poor guy could barely stand up without assistance, but Magnus just unravelled.”

Pushing a hand through her hair she continued, “We knew he was struggling. He, uhhh, Alec caught him self-harming a week or so before everything went down. That’s why Alec called Jace and I up here in the first place. He thought Magnus would do better with more people around, but then the world went to absolute shit and I was running ragged trying to hold the clinic together while half of the vets were gone and it all just….”

Catarina felt her heartbreak for the young woman sitting in the driver’s seat next to her, “ _None_ of this is your fault. It sounds like you did everything you could to help, but sometimes life throws more at you than you can catch.”

Isabelle ducked her head slightly and took a deep breath, clearly trying to hide the tears gathering in the corner of her eyes, “Thanks, Catarina, it means a lot to hear it from you.” The vet shook her head and squared her shoulders, “Anyway, I don’t know what happened between Alec getting released from hospital and him calling me in a panic, but three days later I’m flying out to the house like a life depended on it.” She took a shaky breath, “Which it very nearly did. Alec found Magnus sitting in the garden just… Slicing, into his wrists.”

Cat shuddered at the mental image. “Anyway, I took about two seconds to see what was happening and then quickly chucked a tourniquet on both arms, threw Mags in the back of the car and fanged it to the hospital. They bombed him out to sew everything up, and he was released a few days later. He’s only been home for a day now, but we’re well out of our depth here.  Alec is only just back on his feet, Jace and I are working double time to keep the clinic running, and our fucking _parents_ just threw Mags under the bus. Refused to come down to look after Alec, and then had the fucking _audacity_ to stab Magnus in the back in his name.”

Isabelle was shaking with rage as she pulled on to a gravel road and Cat was starting to worry about her ability to drive in a straight line. Thankfully, she was slowing down; they must be close to their destination.

At that thought, the home came into view, and much like her friend was several weeks prior, Cat was left speechless. She would always be a New Yorker, but god, this place was _stunning_. It was only a few minutes later that Isabelle was knocking the ute into neutral and pulling to a stop outside the modern wood home. In the space of a few breaths, Cat was walking through the front door, and she laid eyes on her best friend for the first time in months.

Magnus looked like _shit_.

The man had bandages from wrist to elbow on both arms, and his face was pale. He was curled into a ball in the corner of the couch and had a thick afghan wrapped around his shoulders. Cat knew things were really bad when he barely batted an eyelid at her sudden appearance, and she dropped her bags and moved swiftly to Magnus’s side.

His head was resting on his knees, and she kneeled in front of him, meeting his eyes. “Hey idiot, hear you failed at the “looking after yourself” thing.”

Magnus’s strangely blank face shifted slightly, and a vague smile formed, “Just a tad.”

His voice was scratchy and soft, but it was there.

Cat motioned for Magnus to shift over on the couch as she sat down and pulled him into her arms. The man turned to hide his face in her chest and, for the first time since waking up in hospital, he allowed himself to let go of the tears that had been threatening to spill.

°ºOº°

With Magnus safely tucked up in the arms of his long-time friend, Isabelle went to find Alec. Shockingly, she found him at the shooting range behind the house. Her older brother was firing arrows into the hay target with a clenched jaw and ridged stance.

She came up behind Alec and gently placed a hand on his shoulder, pushing the bow toward the ground. Once the weapon was lowered, she turned him around and pulled Alec into a hug. He collapsed into her, resting his head on Isabelle’s shoulder and letting his hands fall limply to his sides.

Izzy slowly eased them both to the ground as Alec curled into his sister. She had no idea how long she sat there, letting Alec take strength from the physical contact, but eventually, she pulled back to observe her brother. His face was sunburnt, and his lips are chapped. He had grazes on his forearm from the bow string and his first and second fingers on the opposite hand were cracked and bleeding.

“Alec, how long have you been out here?”

Alec pulled his knees to his chest as he pulled away from one of his closest friends, “I’m not sure. Awhile I guess?”

Izzy brushed the hair back from his forehead, “Judging by bleeding fingers, I’d say it’s been a little longer than you should have been. I know archery is a methodical and good distraction for you, but if you are using it to injure yourself, then we need to work something else out.”

Alec let out a shuddering breath, “I know, I know. I just hate that there is nothing I can do to help here. I feel like I am going to burst out of my skin.”

Isabelle bit her lip, “I know hun, but Cat’s here now. Maybe between the lot of us, we can work something out.”

Alec frowned, “Yeah, maybe.”

Izzy cocked her head at her brother’s tone, “What’s wrong?”

Alec pushed to his feet and resolutely ignored the way he stumbled as he stood, “Nothing. Nothing is wrong.”

“Uhhuh, wanna try that one again?”

Alec pushed his uninjured hand through his hair, “It’s just…” Alec paused, and Isabelle motioned him to continue, “Ugh, it’s bloody stupid Iz.”

Isabelle laughed, “Everything you do is kinda stupid, can you make it a little clearer?”

“I’m just… Jealous. Ok? I’m jealous and guilty. Magnus’s best friend was _halfway around the fucking world_ , and SHE knew something was up and appeared magically when she was needed, and here I am, sitting in the same fucking room, totally oblivious to what is going on. And now I can’t even make it better. I don’t know what to do, and this woman I’ve never met is in my house, comforting the guy I l-“

Alec shut his mouth suddenly, and Isabelle cracked a smile, “It’s cos you like him, isn’t it? You like him, and you are pissed that your feel jealous of his friend because she can comfort him and you can’t.”

Alec sighed, “It’s so fucking petty and pathetic.”

Isabelle stood and squeezed Alec’s shoulder gently, “It’s not pathetic, you can’t help how you feel.” She glanced down at his hands, “You can help how you deal with it though, and you _know_ this isn’t the best option.” She paused, “Also, you know you were recovering from a minor traumatic brain injury right? That kinda excuses you from missing some of the finer points of this situation. You were too busy sleeping or throwing up to really pick up on anything less subtle than a Howitzer for the first little bit there. And that’s without taking the short-term memory loss into everything…”

Alec sighed again, “Yeah, I know… I just don’t know what to do.”

Isabelle smiled, “Let’s start by getting you cleaned up, and then we just take each day at a time, yeah?”

Alec smiled gently, “Yeah, ok.”

He allowed himself to be steered back into the house and mentally reminded himself it was ok to rely on others occasionally.

One day at a time right?


	11. Still Made of Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had a couple of runs at this chapter, and a lot of false starts. The last week and a half at work has been hell for me, but I've had a few days off, so I figured it was time to get back to the fics. This chapter has a rather detached retelling of an offscreen suicide attempt through overdose of every veterinarian's favourite drug, Lethabarb.
> 
> Lethabarb is the Australian veterinary euthanasia drug. It's green here and it tastes just _awful_. Not that I know that for any reason other than I spill it sometimes and then forget it's on a pen or something when I stick it in my mouth. You'd think that for someone who works with so much poo, wee and weird drugs, I'd be more wary of putting things in my mouth, but no. I was not given that virtue.
> 
> Chapter title, and the credit for finally breaking me out of my plot block goes to motherfucking Kesha and her new album, but especially the titular track "Rainbows". Seriously awesome, inspirational shit right there. This song set the tone for this entire chapter.
>
>> "Yeah, maybe my head's fucked up  
> But I'm falling right back in love with being alive"
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the fluff and the angst and the love. Should be fluffy boys in love sailing from here on out.
> 
> Maybe.
> 
> We'll see where our plot bunnies take us.

Alec knew that he should be focussing on helping Magnus, on supporting him and making amends for leaving him alone to stew in that sea of self-loathing. Alec knew exactly what it felt like to be left with nothing but your own destructive thoughts. He shuddered at the memory of feeling _that_ alone and hopeless, it was inexcusable that Alec had left Magnus to deal with it by himself.

Alec shook his head to clear his thoughts. No good would come of letting himself be overcome by that train of thought. No, Alec was stronger than that. He could put it all away until Magnus was back on his feet. Alec would look after the other man until he did need to anymore.

Setting his jaw and squaring his shoulders, Alec marched into the house and set about finding his friend.

This was, of course, greatly complicated by the fact that the second Cat had arrived Magnus had shut himself off from everyone else. Catarina assured them that Magnus was doing about as well as expected, and they all thanked their lucky stars that the woman had enough experience in the emergency department to be able to manage both the physical and the mental aspect of Magnus’s recovery. She had enough training to support him in an emotionally healthy way, but even the American vet’s oldest friend did not have the power to make him leave the guest bedroom and socialise with the rest of the house.

Not that there were many people to socialise with.

Isabelle was still covering Magnus’s appointments, and Alec was only just back at work, meaning there was a _mountain_ of things for him to catch up on. Jace had headed back to the main clinic to help take some of the pressure off the other staff in the absence of Isabelle. Everyone was exhausted and running on fumes, so by the time they got home, there was not a lot of energy left for anything other than sleeping.

That said, there was only so much hiding Cat would put up with.

“Get. The _fuck_. Up.” Cat picked up a pillow and hit her friend with it.

Magnus groaned and burrowed his face deeper into the blankets. Blankets which were suddenly ripped away.

_Rude._

Magnus threw his arms over his eyes as they were hit with a sudden influx of light. He winced as the stitches in his arms pulled and stung, then flexed his arms to feel it again.

Distantly he heard Cat huff and throw the doona on the ground. The bed dipped by his hip as his oldest friend settled by his hip. She gently peeled his arms away from his face and forced Magnus into a sitting position.

“Come on hun, I know you don’t want to get up, but it’s been days, and you _need_ to get out of bed. You know you can’t live in this bed forever.”

“Yes I can,” Magnus had his head buried in Cat’s neck, and his answer was more than a little muffled.

Cat laughed, “I _know_ you can’t. Your visa will expire, and I think you’ve been in this country long enough to see how they treat South East Asian illegal residents.”

Magnus grumbled incoherently as Cat pushed on, “You haven’t showered in days, you stink, and you haven’t said a word to Alec since I got here. He’s starting to worry that you are angry at him.”

Now _that_ made Magnus’s head snap up, “Wait, what?”

Cat’s eyes narrowed, “You’ve been avoiding him, and Alec may have assumed it’s because you are angry.”

“Why would I be angry?!”

Cat huffed a laugh, “So you don’t deny the avoiding bit…” she shook her head slightly, “He thinks it’s his fault all this happened.”

Magnus pushed off the edge of the bed, “ _How_ is any of this _his_ fault?” He stalked over to the dresser and started to throw on some clothes that passed the “sniff” test, “ _Alec’s_ not the one fucked it all up, Alec isn’t the one who almost killed a co-worker and then fucking _failed_ at..”

Cat cut his rant off by spinning Magnus around to face her. She grabbed his chin, and forced him to meet her eyes, “I do _not_ want to hear how you planned to finish that sentence, but if it had _anything_ to do with those people out there saving your life, then you forget it.”

She let go of his chin and pulled him in for a hug, “Alec does not blame you for what happened, and you did not almost get him killed. I saw the discharge report, it was just a concussion and a skull laceration. Looks bad, and feels worse, but not life ending. Deep down, I know you know it wasn’t on you. Why are you so hell-bent on holding on to the blame and guilt?”

Magnus slid slowly to the ground, his back leaning against the dresser, “I don’t even know anymore,” his voice was barely a whisper, “I just can’t shake the feeling that everyone is treating me with kid gloves because of what I did afterwards. Like the do blame me, but not enough to justify letting me kill myself.”

Cat sighed and lowered herself to the floor, “Hun, you know that’s not a rational train of thought. The Lightwoods aren’t ones to sugar coat things. If Izzy thought you actually were to blame, I’m pretty confident she’d let you know it.”

“Maryse was pretty quick to let me know…”

Cat rolled her eyes, “I’m pretty sure that _woman_ is not entitled to an opinion on an event she wasn’t there for. _Especially_ when she couldn’t be bothered to even visit her son in the hospital.”

Magnus laughed gently, “What an asshole.”

“She is the biggest asshole. You should hear what Iz has to say about her, especially about the way she treats Alec. If you are going to condemn yourself on the word of anyone, don’t make it Maryse. I’d prefer that you not base it on anyone other than yourself, but for gods’ sake, don’t base it on her opinion.”

Magnus’s head was down, but he nodded gently, “You have a point.”

Cat smiled, “Damn right I have a point!” She took a deep breath, “Will you let me make another point?”

Magnus lifted his head and smiled a small smile, “I guess..”

Cat returned the smile, “Finished getting dressed and then go find Alec. He wants to be there for you, he’s worried about you, but he doesn’t want to push. The poor guy is stressed out of his mind, and I think reassuring him that you aren’t avoiding him would go a long way to helping him settle.”

Magnus closed his eyes, “I have been avoiding him…”

“Yeah, you have. And the poor guy is either at work, running around trying to catch up on everything, or at home fretting by himself. Izzy is at work basically all the time, so Alec is just coming back here to what has basically been an empty house. It looks like he just gets home and goes out to the range and shoots.”

Magnus bit his lip and Cat continued, “I _know_ you have been avoiding him, but it’s not because you are angry with him. So, spill. Let’s get it all out in the open now, deal with it and then go and reassure your man.”

Magnus rolled his eyes, “He is _not_ my man.”

Catarina laughed, “Maybe not yet, but the way the two of you pine over each other, it won’t be long.”

“I don’t think he’s going to want anything to do with me after everything,” Magnus sighed.

Shuffling around to his side, Cat nudged her friend’s shoulder, “I think you just need to talk to him Mags.” She paused, “He has a lot to say, and I think you need to listen, but I swear to you, this does not change what he thinks of you.”

Magnus nodded and took a deep breath. Steeling himself, he stood up and slowly finished dressing. When he was ready, he made his way to the door, but not before stopping to wrap his oldest friend in a tight embrace.

Cat smiled, “I love you too, now go out there and communicate!”

Despite his nerves, Magnus laughed, “Yeah, yeah…” He turned, walked out the bedroom door with conviction.

°ºOº°

Alec had made it as far as sighting the still closed guest room door before collapsing on the couch. His muscles ached and his arms were burning from his time on the range, but it was all overwhelmed by the heavy emptiness in his chest. Alec knew this feeling, it had been his companion on and off for nearly his entire life. He raised a hand and rubbed it over his sternum, relishing in the way it aggravated his injuries.

Isabelle was right, Alec really needed to find something else to use to blow off steam. Archery was one of his real loves, but he wasn’t in the best headspace to be around lethal weapons at the moment. He dropped his head to his hands and rubbed his fingers across the bridge of his nose. So caught up in his own thoughts, Alec missed the sound of the guestroom door opening and the slow, cautious footsteps approaching. He couldn’t, however, ignore the way the couch cushions dipped as someone sat beside him.

“You look like shit, when was the last time you slept, Alexander?”

Alec raised his head and laughed, “Bit rich coming from you. When did _you_ last shower?”

Magnus dipped his head, “I will concede that it has been too long, but in my defence, I’ve been under instruction to keep my dressings dry.” He raised his still bandaged arms as evidence.

Their laughter petered out and the awkwardness that hadn’t been a feature of their relationship since the beginning filtered in.

Eventually

Alec broke the silence, “How have you been?”

Magnus smiled and leant back into the couch, “Oh you know, can’t complain.”

Sighing, Alec turned to face Magnus head on, “No, seriously, how are you coping?”

He closed his eyes before responding, “About as well as expected I guess…”

Alec nodded, “I’m just so sorry I didn’t notice what was going on earlier, I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you Mags.”

Magnus frowned, “I’m not sure how you could have been expected to prevent any of this Alexander. You were barely even conscious.”

“I was conscious enough. I should have said something, I should have made someone check on you. I can’t believe it took you almost _dying_ for someone to see how much you were hurting.” Alec was more than a little agitated by the time he finished, and Magnus was overcome with the need to _fix_ things.

As Magnus mulled that thought over, Alec seemed to shake himself out of his rant, “I’m sorry, this isn’t about me.” His smile was thin and his eyes glassy, but Magnus appreciated the effort anyway. “I am glad to see you up and about,” Alec lowered his eyes and Magnus took a moment to appreciate the play of light and shadow his long lashes cast over his cheeks, “I’ve missed having you around.”

Magnus couldn’t help but smile at that, even as the cold voice from the back of his mind reminded him that he was nothing but a worthless pain in the ass of everyone around him and that no-one deserved to be saddled with his shit. Even though his own thoughts betrayed him, the American allowed the words to warm him.

“I know it’s been a couple of rough weeks,” Alec continued even as Magnus huffed out a short laugh, “but I would honestly like to get to know you better. I’d like to spend time with you and be there for you. If you’ll let me.”

It was the open and honest expression Alec was sporting that made Magnus finally crack. He _did not deserve_ this kind of compassion. It sat wrong, slid down his spine with a slimy feel. He stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen, throwing the fridge open just for something to do. Magnus heard Alec start in confusion and then rush after him. Suddenly the fridge door was closed, and there was that god-awful compassion staring at him in the face again. Magnus tried to form a rational argument, but the words caught in his throat and the feeling leaked out of his eyes instead. He huffed angrily as the tears began to spill down his cheeks.

Alec’s expression of kindness shifted to concern, “What’s wrong Magnus? What can I do?”

Magnus allowed himself to be steered to the breakfast bar and then sat in one of the high chairs at the counter, “I just can’t fucking stand it, ok? I can’t stand you treating me like I deserve to be looked after. I almost got you killed, and then I go and fuck everything up more by losing control and fucking _myself_ up, and then not even managing to do it properly. You shouldn’t want to be around me, I’m fucked up Alec. You get it? I’m no good for you. You need someone who can love and protect you, not someone who is barely keeping their own shit together and needs constant fucking supervision to make sure they don’t do anything _stupid_.” Magnus paused and pushed a hand through his greasy hair, “I can’t deal with you looking at me like you give a shit. I’m not worth your shits. You should save your shits for someone who deserves them.”

Alec just waited for Magnus to finish with a slightly amused expression, “Don’t you think I get to decided who I give my shits to?”

Magnus smiled in spite of himself, “Get fucked.”

Alec smiled back, “Aww, look at you, learning the Aussie language.”

Magnus rolled his eyes as Alec pressed on, “But seriously, I’m not sure you are the best person to be judging your worth. It kinda looks like you have some issues in that department. Like, you should really think about talking to someone about that.”

Magnus rolled his eyes at the attempts to lighten the mood, “You’re right, _that’s_ the bit that I need to talk to someone about.”

Alec laughed, “Look, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea…” He trailed off and let the laughter trail off with him, “You honestly can’t think I’d abandon a friend because they were going through a tough time though? I know you don’t think you’re worth it, and, ok, I can’t do anything about that, but I _know_ you would do the same for me.”

“Yeah but—”

“But nothing Mags, you know it’s true.” Alec bit his lip, “And… When I _was_ in the same situation… I wish I had had someone like you around. I know how fucked up you must feel right now, but I was honestly not kidding when I said I didn’t think any less of you for all this.”

Magnus looked up at the other man who was leaning on the counter, Alec looked more vulnerable than Magnus had seen him before. He watched Alec take a deep breath before he started to speak, “When I was just starting out, I was working for mum in Melbourne. It wasn’t long after I started taking sole charge shifts in the ER department. I had this dog come in. It had eaten snail bait, and the poor thing was a shaking, slobbering mess. The owners signed our emergency form, told me to do everything I could to save their baby and left me to it. The dog was pretty fucked up, but long story short, I couldn’t stop the seizures, and the dog died during an anaesthetic we started to try to bring the seizures and the fever under control.” Alec sighed as he continued, “At this point, the bill was $1500, and I had to call the owner and tell them I couldn’t save the dog. They ranted and screamed at me over the phone, but the husband said he’d be down in a minute to pick up the body and fix up the bill. Anyway, he came down, refused to pay, took the dog and then decked me for good measure. At some point, some bright spark decided to call my mother. She was less than impressed by everything. Accused me of not trying hard enough, of being a terrible vet, of disgracing the family and then chewed me out for hours about putting the other staff in danger and then not even getting a deposit, let alone full payment.”

Magnus laughed, “So it was basically an excellent night all round.”

  
“Mmhhmm, it was the absolute highlight of my career, and a call from Maryse was _exactly_ what I needed to celebrate the evening.” Alec rubbed his eyes, “Anyway, I wrote my reports, cleaned up, waited for the phones to switch over to the day crew, handed over to the next shift, swiped a bottle of Lethabarb, a giving set and a couple of catheters and went upstairs to the break room. I had never felt so fucking useless. I convinced myself that I was nothing but a liability and that the clinic and my family would be better off without me. I hooked myself up to the bottle, settled in on the couch and waited.

“It was Izzy who found me. I don’t know how long I’d been unconscious, but it can’t have been too long. She thankfully held off the panic for long enough to call an ambulance, grab the antidote from the safe and dragged me downstairs and got me on oxygen.”

Magnus had grabbed Alec’s hands at some point and was rubbing circles into the back of his knuckles. Alec looked down at their hands and smiled, “Obviously, I survived, but Maryse responded to the whole scenario by shipping me out here. Which, oddly, is the nicest things she ever did for me, in a very round-about way.” He sighed, “Point is, I get it. I really, really do. I don’t think any less of you, how could I when I did basically the same thing?”

Magnus bit his lip, and nodded, “Ok.” His voice was soft, “ok.”

“So, let me in. Let me help. At the very least, let me convince you to just shower and get _out_ of that room.” Alec was giving a half smile, and as vulnerable as Magnus felt, there was just no saying no to that smile.

He found himself nodding and accepting the hand being offered. After a quick shower, the two men found themselves sitting together on the couch, watching something mindless on TV. Magnus had given up on pretending he didn't feel a pull towards his mentor, and actively encouraged the way Alec had started to lean into his shoulder. Now he had his arm draped over the back of the sofa and Alec was snoring gently into his chest.

Neither of them were ok, Magnus realised with a start. He took in the scrapes along Alexander's forearm, the bleeding cracks on his fingers, and the deep shadows under his eyes, but they were getting there. Magnus settled further into the cushions and pulled the sleeping man closer, revelling in the warmth the contact with another human being brought. It was with that final thought that he let his eyes drift close and sleep to pull him under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget that you can find me on tumblr, and that I am open to prompts to celebrate finally cracking 300 kudos on a fic. (And if one of you wants to read my other fic that has been sitting on 299 for I don't know how long, then please do that, there _may_ be a sequel in the works for The Sacrifices We Make, but it is entirely dependant on me finishing my this fic and Closer to Fine)
> 
> Tumbl me here: catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com


	12. Back on the Horse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand it has been MONTHS since I updated, and I really wish I had a good reason for it taking me 5 months to type out what is just shy of 2000 words, but I really don't. Life, work, mental illness etc, all got in the way. not a great excuse, but here we are nonetheless.
> 
> So here is the chapter I have taken so many runs at that it's just not funny. 
> 
> I hope you find it to be a worthy end to a reasonably well-received story. As always, you can find me on Tumblr at catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com which is one of the best ways to contact me, and definitely the best way to talk to me if you want to do something more than send email Ao3 messages publically.

Magnus had thought that the worst bit was over. He had thought that dealing with the fallout from his hospital stay would be the thing that would be the hardest to deal with. He had hoped that once the physical signs of his… _indiscretion…_ were healed, he would be back at work and everyone could pretend that nothing had ever had happened.

Clearly, no one else had expected it to go that way. It seemed like Alec took it all in his stride when Magnus became practically catatonic.

His skin had healed, the sutures were out, but Magnus felt totally empty. Everything felt pointless and Alec and Isabelle just dressed him and moved him around the house like he was an oversized doll. Twice a week, they dressed him and drove into the city for psych appointments where Magnus stared blankly at the doctor for an hour and then went home. They pushed him to shower, made him take his meds and made sure he ate.

When improvement did come, it started so slowly Magnus missed it entirely. The first sign was that Magnus was awake when Alec went to get Magnus up for the day. He was awake and already sitting up in bed. Alec didn’t say anything, and he hid a smile as he ushered his friend out of bed and into the shower.

The next sign was the slow increase in conversation in the house. Inch by inch, Magnus was getting his personality back. Alec would do something stupid, and the Lightwoods would be shocked by a quiet chuckle from the couch.

About two months after the incident, Magnus managed to get himself up, dressed and out to the living room. He had product in his hair and a coffee in his hand and was ready to leave for this psych appointment when Alec came to grab him. Again, Alec said nothing but quietly took the keys as they were offered to him and made his way to the car.

The realisation that things were getting better hit Magnus like a rolling wave and knocked him on his ass. He looked back on the last few weeks and realised that he could remember individual days instead of time being blended together in a grey fog. He could find little bits of joy in each day and things like watching Alexander gallop down the drive with his bow on his back and wind in his hair. Magnus started to feel something other than the hollowness that had been his constant companion for over a month.

So, when Alec asked Magnus if he thought it was time to look at getting back to work you think Magnus would have been prepared. Instead, he promptly had a fully-fledged panic attack.

Isabelle was shocked to come home to find her big brother standing in front of their long-term house guest, frozen in shock as Magnus gasped for air.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Izzy ran forward and not so gently shoved Alec out of the way, “Ok, what happened? Just breathe Mags, you got this.”

Magnus sucked in a stuttering breath and Isabelle turned to throw a glare at her brother, “What did you do?”

Alec put his hands up and backed up until the back of his knees hit the couch, “I don’t know! All I did was ask if he wanted to come back to work a shift at the clinic and he just started to lose it.”

Isabelle closed her eyes and prayed for strength. She turned her back on Alec and focussed on the matter at hand, “Mags? Listen to me ok?” She waited until panicked eyes flicked to hers and then away again, “Ok, I need you to take some long breaths ok? You breathe thousands of times a day, you can do it now. Ready?”

Magnus nodded shakily and dutifully dragged in a wet and halting breath. Isabelle nodded and coached him for another few minutes until finally Magnus had his head resting on her shoulder and the panic had subsided to a dull roar. Izzy massaged his shoulder and shuffled them both so Magnus was cuddled up to his side.

Having had time to gather his own thoughts, Alec had gone to the bedroom to retrieve the beloved fluffy blanket form Magnus’s bed. He settled on to his other side and wrapped the blanket around the three of them. “So, I’ll take that as a “maybe”?”

Surprisingly, Magnus huffed out a laugh, “Honestly It’s probably not a bad idea, it just took me by surprise.”

Isabelle frowned and muttered, “I’ll say” under her breath before turning to their friend, “You don’t have to do a thing before you are ready, but do you want to talk about why it made you panic so much?”

Magnus burrowed into her side, “No?”

Alec laughed, “Can’t blame him for that one Iz.”

Isabelle pouted, “Be serious Alec.”

Alec shook his head and Magnus cracked a smile. “It was just everything. It kinda hit me all at once. I sounds weird, but I had almost forgotten that I had to go back and do my job and be an adult.” He shrugged and tucked his feet under Alec’s leg, “After everything that happened, is it weird that I forgot I had a _life_ to go back to?”

Alec sighed and put an arm around his friend, pulling him over into his lap. This of course meant sticking Magnus’s not yet warmed toes under his _sister’s_ leg, but that was just a happy upside. “It’s not weird. I get it. You made this huge, painful, life altering choice, and at the end of the day, everything keeps on moving. The world keeps on turning without you and it is honestly terrifying.”

Magnus was embarrassed and a little shocked to feel the tears slipping down his face, but Alec pushed on regardless, “At the end of the day Mags, you are here, and you are _alive_ , and its time the world gets to see how wonderful you are.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes and made a faint gagging noise and shifted to tuck the blanket around the pair and excused herself from the cuddle puddle.

“I’m serious though, I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t think it would be ok. I’m not talking about full days or consults or anything. Just come in, do a few surgeries and hospital procedures. I think getting out of the house will do you some good.” Alec ran a hand through Magnus’s hair and quietly marvelled at its silky texture. He also ignored how being cuddled up to this man he grew to know, watched crumble and helped build back up, made things flutter low in his abdomen. There were a whole lot of times on his “when not to hit on Magnus” list, and “post panic attack you caused” is pretty high up there.

Magnus shifted slightly to get more comfortable, “I guess you are right. No point in avoiding it, right? Maybe I’ll bring it up with the psych and see what she thinks?”

Alec smiled, “That’s a wonderful idea.”

Isabelle came back into the room holding three cups of tea. She passed one each to the men on the floor and took hers and perched on the arm of the couch. “Soooo, what have we decided?”

Alec elbowed Magnus gently, “I’m going to talk to the psych, but yeah, you guys are right. It might do me some good to get out of the house.”

The Lightwood siblings nodded in unison, pulling another gentle chuckle out of their house guest.

°ºOº°

A week and two psych appointments later, Magnus was stepping over the threshold of the Durin branch of the C.L.A.V.E clinic. He was struck with the realisation that nothing had changed. They hadn’t even flipped the calendar in the treatment room over yet. The staff took him coming back in their stride, and aside from a few quiet, “Welcome back”s, no mention of his absence was made. He slipped back into his role easily and quietly and without any fanfare.

A week after that and Magnus was back to taking consults two days a week.

Slowly, with the help of an unwavering support base, and a handsomely paid psychologist, Magnus was returning to himself. He had forgotten how wonderful a fast-paced day of interesting cases and interesting people could be. He began to flirt and charm the little old ladies who brought him their white fluffy dogs.

Eventually, Magnus began to notice the small smiled Alec threw in his direction when he thought no one was looking. And more than that, he began to notice the butterflies in his own stomach in response. It had been so long, months really, since Magnus had felt anything other than fog, that the sensation honestly took him totally by surprise. He may have been out of practice, but Magnus was sure that the chemistry that existed before his little _incident_ was still present and accounted for and could be capitalised upon.

It took very little manoeuvring to get Alec alone outside of office hours and even less manoeuvring to get him pressed up close against the side of his ute.

Magnus ducked his head slightly and looked up at Alec through his lashes, “I know a lot of things have happened over the last few months, but you have been there with me every step of the way. You have given me more than I had any right to ask for.”

Alec raised a hand to interject but Magnus stopped him with a pout, “Alexander, I have been practising this speech all day, do NOT make me start again.”

Alec smiled fondly, “So sorry, please, continue oh High one.”

“Thank you,” Magnus nodded firmly, “Where was I? Oh, right, you have given me more than I could ask for, but I would like to ask just one more thing.”

He paused and looked at Alec expectantly, “Oh, so _now_ I can talk?”

Magnus smacked his arm lightly and Alec continued, “What would you like to ask?”

“Alexander, would you please do me the honour of coming to dinner with me?”

Alec beamed, “There are few things I would love more Magnus.” He paused, before lifting a hand to Magnus’ face. Gently, waiting for permission, he tipped Magnus’ face upwards and ran a thumb across hischeekbonee. Alec did not miss the resulting full body shiver. His eyes flicked down to Magnus’ lips and back again. Before he knew what was happening, the two men were meeting in the middle and sharing one of the softest kisses of their lives.

Magnus melted into the other’s touch and raised his hands to lose his fingers in Alec’s short hair, while Alec wound his free arm around Magnus’ back and pulled him in tighter.

The kiss broke apart naturally and the Alec brought their foreheads together. Though slightly blurry, there was no mistaking the affection he saw in Magnus’ face, “I’ve wanted to do that for so long. And I definitely want to do it again.”

Magnus smiled, “Me too, and thankfully, it looks like we have all the time in the world.”

Alec chuckled and brought their lips back together for another kiss, smiling all the while.

°ºOº°

There was no easy fix, no magic cure for what plagued the couple, and they had plenty of rough patches ahead. The only thing that could be assured, was that they would face what ever the future brought together.

**Author's Note:**

> Please drop by my tumblr. Talking to people from Ao3 about fics, headcanons and writing gives me life  
> catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com


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